Super Psycho

Because Summers Are Like, Hot

2009-04-08T20:26:00.000+08:00

I usually don't have emo moments inside my dorm room in Ipil, because I often associate the whole interior with all the sleepless nights and the moments I spent contemplating on my career dilemmas. But hours ago I felt something unusual with the silence, with my roommate gone, with his side of the room empty and devoid of the usual irritating clutter.

I lay on my bed for the last time (I guess), and it made me remember how hard I tried to fight off the drowsiness whenever I had to cram a book or two for my English class. Or that evening when I tried like hell digesting probability theory only to get an effing failing mark from my she's-so-full-of-herself prof. It's really hard to let go of old habits, much more with lifestyles. This summer, I find it hard to adjust my mood and my disposition. I feel lost. So emo.

I left the dorm at 5:30, when everything was turning yellowish and dusty. I really don't know what to do this summer. All I know is that I have to rest because this has been my most exhausting semester to date. And it freaks me out to know that there are worse to come. But I don't know, looking at it, it's so easy to get eventual relief from all the stress.

2) Still not decided on what to do for the next two months. The thing is, I still have all my school stuff left in my dorm room. I was allowed to keep them there even after dorm cheking out deadline because I sort of lied that I'll be taking summer classes.

But right now I don't seem to buy the whole idea, since I have to miss 3 days of classes for a debate tournament. Even if I have some valid excuse letter, missing three days is almost like, 2 weeks in a regular semester. The only justifications I have for being absent is if I'm near death, someone I have a business with is near death, or if the class is Econ 100.2. None of those apply. That's why I;m thinking of foregoing summer classes.

I've already snatched up nat sci 2 and math 2 in CRS, plus, my friend SJ was able to get me a PE subject (weight training for men) since I didn't have the fez to miss our team training this morning. I think it's sayang not to take those classes, because I want to be over and done with my MST and PE requirements. Plus, CHK people are saying that PE will now be part of one's GWA and may fee na na 2000. Isang malaking WTF sa CHK. Ganda nyo.

Anyhoo, I was googling things a while back searching for some prospective employees. A friend already forwarded my name to her Korean friends in International Center, it was some sort of a one-on-one English tutorial thingy. The fee was 150, and methinks that's so barat. I had almost 12 years of English public education and all I get is freaking 150 per hour? But I'm not really complaining, I'm just...emotional.

***
And so the point is, the whole setup is so dramatic. I have a solemn, somber, profound Holy week to think things over and decide whether I invest on my education or invest on my growth as a needy person. But either way I think it's good. The tradeoff is that I won't be seeing people I like looking at for the whole summer. That sounds rather bad.

And working in Eastwood also sounds fun. That's like, Morato, right? This is me being a pretentious urban clubber.

Blablabla Moments

2009-04-07T17:33:00.000+08:00

Tonight I feel shitty, like waking up from some forced daydreaming, or from disillusionment, or from any defense mechanism for the chronically insecure. It somehow relates to the fact that detectinvisible.com is a gift from God, because it shows you the truth during the exact times when you just don't want to see the truth. See how ironic it is. Sometimes, I wonder why reality is so unforgiving.

But then again, since my summer is still hazy in terms of what I'm even supposed to do, drama is not in the agenda. I need to train tomorrow for a tournament next week. Which means I can't enrol for summer classes, which means that I really don't know what I'm going to do. Which means I have to pack loads and loads of my things left untouched inside my dorm room in UP, before the new occupants would throw them away (or maybe steal them?).

I've never felt the weight of tradeoffs, only until now. And honestly I'm currently regretting why I didn't invest on any planner, Starbucks or not. Because I had one last year, and I had about 15 entries up to MArch, and then I never used it again.

By the way, I just got home from a fun semplanning with JPIA EBs in Rizal. It was really stressful, just like what Richard had warned. But I don't know, I think anything new is something fun and amusing. Unless it kills you, like, detectinvisible.com. And yes, I'm hyping the thing up.

Talk about structure. Me. Writing. We're taking different paths now.

Right. May konsepto ng writer's block.

This is the most self-conscious blog post I have written so far. It makes me sound like a cyber-flirt, pubertal, private school girl.

Magdusa ka, magdusa ako, magdusa tayo

2009-03-30T19:59:00.000+08:00

11:30 in Ipil Lobby, I'm wondering why the wi-fi connection has been unreliable lately. It's either 'there's a problem with the wireless server' or it's just ridiculously slow. Like, you can kill someone and dump him somewhere and yet your facebook homepage is only half-loaded.

I still have two exams to go. And I missed a make-up class, which I bet was really important, because I had to go to the dentist and meet someone. I need priority reorientation. I think I suck at that. What's the point? It made me feel bad.

I also finished my last exam in accounting for the year. Which started an hour late.

Me: Sir, sir, bakit ka po late ng one hour?
Sir Lee: *smiles*

Not like I'm complaining. It's just that it made me realize: Why is it so hard to say what we want to say? Can't we just say what we mean? charot.

Two hours ago I was at the main library steps with friend Y, and she was ranting about how his never-was-boyfriend booked a plain ticket to Davao with his spare-tire-girlfriend. And the bottomline of it all was that she was upset, but she's still a strong woman.

Me: So okay, strong ka. K.

And then we talked about a lot of things, while I burned dry bamboo leaves with a lighter because I was bored that way. Which is the reason why I haven't studied yet for my management science subject which I just don't GET. Fine, to give some credit to myself, I just find the instruction boring. Like, who-cares-can-we-just-move-on-with-our-lives boring. But I am powerless...I still have to take this exam, and lose some sleep and some sense of life.

Obviously, I'm not happy today. I could have said it in a simpler way.

Beg for Some

2009-03-15T19:57:00.000+08:00

I find it weird how 'street beggars', as in please-give-me-money-i'm-destitute-beggars (no judgment) look at the idea of begging itself.

No, make that 'I find it appalling' or 'I find it highly disturbing', to the extent that I'd be so preventive that I will automatically run away from them to avoid their distinct modus operandis for soliciting any form of charity. And I really don't want to think I'm a bad person. I admit that something in our society must be wrong. But I don't think I can solve that right now.

Ah basta! The point is ayaw ko magpaka self-righteous. Gusto ko lang mag share. Lol

I was sipping some McFloat along Taft Av when an old lady with decent looking clothes, and who seemed relatively clean and un-grimy, and who carried a plastic bag full of stuff, approached me and casually gestured that she needed some alms or whatever.

I was shocked. Because for one, she did not look like your stereotypical street beggar. She looked like your stereotypical grandmother. But what was more shocking was that when I said my money was just enough for an FX ride, she smiled blankly, hailed a passing jeepney and got in. Meaning, maybe when she was walking, she realized that she was low on cash to be able to afford a jeepney ride. So she asked for some coins. From a complete stranger. Kasi siguro, feel niya lang.

+++
Ten minutes after, an adolescent boy stopped in front of me and did the same thing. He was saying something about kuya naghihirap na ang kapatid ko maawa ka, kahit mamatay ako okay lang pero kailangan nya ng pera pampagamot. I gestured that I didn't have any money to give. That was right after I heard the word 'mamatay.'

I know it's maarte, but it struck me as something too much. And sorry, but I don't know what to believe in. I don't know the truth. Maybe dismissing these people are like, non-charitable-ness or whatever. But I feel that it's more of convenience, because it's just plain difficult to assess if they really need these acts of charity or not.

The whole point is: there's something wrong with the world. Although, well, that's obvious.

PS. I feel disoriented and unorganized.

18 Things told to random people

2009-03-13T18:33:00.000+08:00

1) It's your fault I find it hard to trust people, or to doubt them, or to think that friendship borders on being somehow ephemeral. It's your fault, really. But it's a good thing we have different lives now. And I hope our circles will never intersect again.

2) It makes me wonder how come you make me laugh even if I'm at the peak of being (or faking being) depressed. And please make me happier by forgetting all about my utang.

3) You saw it coming, I mean, things never working out. Maybe it was about fear of what we did not know. But allow me to be fatalistic when I say that maybe it's just not supposed to happen.

4) Stop pretending to be strong, especially if you're dying to cry and wallow in misery. I like how you assertively act on things, if only your actions were real. It's a good thing you ask for our opinion now. Stop thinking that you can handle things on your own. Even if a lot of bad things come out of my mouth, I think I like it whenever I help you out on the petty aspects of your life.

5) Sorry if we haven't catched up with each other lately. You know I'm not cutting ties with you, don't be OA. I hope my watermelon shake treat counts as a sincere apology.

6) I don't know how you perceive your self. I don't know how much sense of self-elevation you hold. But I hope you try to respect people and their persistence to learn and push themselves. You know it's a process.

7) I wonder why you make me feel fixated. Sounds eww but true. Anyway, whatever happens is fine with me.

8) I hope you don't get disappointed with me. I just want to decide on what's best for me. I don't feel fulfilled.

9) Thanks for making the stay memorable. In the event that I have to leave, I hope we still go out and watch movies.

10) You remind me of how simple it used to be. I know it sounds too childish, but I just want to lie down somewhere and pretend that the world didn't turn out to be this way.

11) You're my one and only stress-relief pill. I get goosebumps whenever I notice how much you've grown up. I want to help ate get you through an excellent schooling.

12) Oftentimes, I'm made to ask if this would last.

13) Stop pestering me with my water bill. I'll pay you! Not like I don't see you everyday in the dormitory!

14) I hate you for lying about not having any change. You think I'll give you my 100 peso bill without getting any goddamn change in return?!

15) You're the only professor I had during this school year that I'll surely miss. Thank you for making me reassess my career options.

16) I also hate you for being so barat with my binagoongan servings. You're precisely the reason why I had to switch carenderias. Talk about unforgivable substitution costs.

17) I really hope you'll get a boyfriend any time soon. The world is too small for single, ranting people.

18) I hope you make some kind of apparition in front of me. My spirituality experiments are just too stressful. Which makes me realize why religious institutions are the WAY to go if I I want convenience. And of course, salvation.

What's that again and Eheads

2009-03-08T11:51:00.000+08:00

Last night, I watched the Eraserheads' Final Set concert in MoA, expecting to listen to 'Para sa Masa' when all else had been sung, or had been rapped, or had been altered by Ely Buendia because he feels like doing so. But I'm not complaining, I thought it was funny. But the point is, they didn't sing Para sa Masa. And I paid 1 300 for that. Homaygahd.

I don't think I'm an Eheads fan just yet. Because I don't know their albums. Or I can't narrate the music videos of their songs unlike the sweaty, die-hard fans who violently encroached my private space in MoA's concert grounds last night. I just happened to download their anthology albums 2 weeks ago, listened to their songs everyday when I'm on my way to BA, or when I'm headed to SC to buy some popsicle, or when I'm walking to my dorm room after an unforgiving day. And after that I felt like a fan, and I bought a concert ticket with the same money I saved up to buy suer light-weight slippers.

And today I'm blogging about the experience, and my most glaring memory, I think, was the taste of ice-cold Coke after three hours of voluntary dehydration. But I think it was fun, since it was a concert. Concerts are supposed to be fun, right? LOL

++++
Last night, while I sat on an ordinary SM Fairview bus, I decided to make an impromptu poem because I thought I was in a highly poetic scenario. 1 AM. By the window. In a cheap, wind-swept ordinary bus where people all looked stressed out and are all Eheads fans. But apparently I've forgotten the whole poem. I think the gist was that I was sad, emotional and I needed some happiness, or the usual things poems say.

++++
It's 4 PM and I still don't have my allowance for the whole week. I still need to do a lot of papers and other things-you-should-worry-about. I hate this.

TOP 3 THINGS I LEARNED IN BA 180.1

2009-02-27T12:22:00.000+08:00

1) I LEARNED THAT I'M BORDERING ON BEING A COMPUTER-ILLITERATE.
2) I LEARNED THAT BILL GATES IS A GIFT TO HUMANITY.
3) I LEARNED TO BE REALL, REALLY FRIENDLY. CHAROT.

It's a mesh/mess.

2009-02-23T15:31:00.000+08:00

I'm squeezing myself in our small share of domestic urban space. Just a few steps from Trinoma, though I always get tired whenever I walk, instead of taking a tricycle ride. These are during the days when I have to drag my laundry back home with 25 pesos in my pocket. Enough for a load, and to go unli while waiting for people to text. Or to not text.

I have a problem with time. And waiting. And why impatience is punished in this self-righteous world. I have a problem with rationalizing forgiveness, or why we should be good when in fact we're vile. I have a problem with selecting the best options, and why economics makes option selection so hyper-scientific.

I don't know what is it with goals and dreams that make us think we're fulfilled. Or bound for fulfillment. I don't know what is it with achieving that makes us worth something. Why is laziness a crime. Why is rest mere futility. Why do we have to toil and let go.

Why do we have to wait and think that abstinence is delayed reward. Why does hope exist when it borders on desperation. Why are there boundaries that are blurred.

Why is there confusion. And how come I can never think enough. Or at least correctly. What's with the corrective function of error when we commit them over and over again.

What's with life and how come Shonda Rhymes thinks the power of thinking can erase all wounds, lighten all burdens, and wipe out all the deep shit on earth.

Last night, I tried to meditate inside my dorm room. When my room mate was away.
But I found it hard to empty myself of thoughts, when thinking alone tells me I'm heading towards something definitive.

charot.drama.

25 random things we shouldn't care about

2009-02-07T11:38:00.000+08:00

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you!
-----

1) I have an obsessive liking towards anything orange. Whenever I look for a bag, or a shirt, or a pen, or anything, I resort to an automatic process of elimination by ignoring anything un-orange. Except, of course, when the orange ones are too expensive, like Giordano's latest line of orange shirts.

2) When I was in Grade 1, my teacher called me out of a sudden and asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. I told her I wanted to be a lawyer. Eleven years after, I'm still itching to get into law school.

3) The only award I received in Kindergarten was 'Well-Behaved.'

4) I once had a falling out with my best friend when we entered high school. I haven't talked to him ever since.

5) I don't eat soft and overcooked pancit canton. It has to be somewhat firm and raw, like the pasta in Yellow Cab's meatball spaghetti.

6) I don't know how to style my hair. I would often get late for class trying to make my hair look decent. Then I just end up shampooing it again to remove the excess wax.

7) Growing up, I thought I was destined to be a writer. I'm an accounting major right now.

8) In first year high school, my math teacher ordered me to get out of the classroom because she caught me reviewing for a quiz in agriculture class. Last summer, when I bumped into her with her co-teacher, this conversation happened:

Ma'am X: Elfermin, do you still know her? (points to Ma'am Math Teacher)

Me: Uhm..I forgot her name.

9) My faith in Filipino films died right after I watched Lovi Poe in Shake Rattle and Roll 9. But I kind of got it back again after watching 'Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros'.

10) When I have repressed depression issues or when I'm downright depressed, I splurge on alcohol. But if I don't have issues, I don't see why I should even drink liquor.

11) One of my regrets in life is turning down a creative writing scholarship offer from an arts school in Mount Makiling.

12) My weekly allowance is 2000 pesos. But whenever I want to buy something, I can be extremely frugal and save up to one thousand pesos.

13) I always avail of Globe's unlimited text promo, regardless of the level of need for text correspondence. Because I have a feeling that it's sulit.

14) I easily get distracted whenever I'm studying, or whenever I'm listening to something. That's why every time I prepare for exams, I have to be somewhere quiet and isolated.

15) I used to love Heroes so much that I watch certain episoded repeatedly. But come Season 3, I felt that it was already insulting viewer intelligence.

16) When I was 10, I bought a ready-made kite. It was my first kite, and I never managed to fly it.

17) Last Christmas vacation, my father saw a pack of menthol cigarettes inside my bag. He took one out and asked me if I had a lighter. One month later, he threatened to cut my allowance if I don't stop smoking.

18) I used to be amazed by the Korean culture so much that I had Korean movie marathons when I was in high school. But right now, I'm so fed up. I think they're everywhere, and I hate racism, too.

19) In my hometown, people call me 'Elf' or 'Elp'. In UP, people call me 'Bok' or 'Elfer' or 'Elfie'. I'm fine with any of them.

20) I used to represent my high school during badminton tournaments. I quit competitive playing when I was in third year because of a statistics subject.

21) When I left Kalayaan Dorm, I packed all my things inside a garbage bag, since I didn't have a luggage big enough to hold everything.

22) I returned the iPhone that my father gave me because I had to die first before I could finish typing a text message.

23) I do really weird things when I'm drunk.

24) The last time I cried was when I was trying to shed a tear on cue, in front of a mirror.

25) Once, when I dined out with my block mates, I intentionally recited 'Our Father' instead of the usual prayer before meal. I laughed loudly afterwards.

Because I Feel Like I Care

2009-02-05T17:32:00.000+08:00

Omg, everything feels so solemn.

I'm in the Main Library, minutes after I was mildly surprised when my laptop connected to the Wi-Fi with less effort and less divine aid.

And so I plan to write about profound things, rant about life, complain on why I don't get the things I want, or why they just don't arrive at the time when I need them the most, or why they arrive at the wrong time, that's why I think I don't want them when in fact maybe, just maybe, I do.

Basically, the point is I have issues with my life. Real problems. Like, drama. Like, I-m-bordering-on-emoness-but-I-can't-since-I-have-quasi-pride drama. But I don't want to feel sad because I have this newfound hobby- glorifying beautiful, small things in life. LOL

+++
1) I attended a Bannuar activity for the first time in days, which is relatively a long time already. It was about orienting applicants about our org life, and asking them questions like we're so concerned (of course we are!smiley). It was also about eating bebengka, watching AVPs, and telling someone that he looks like a pecking chicken. Gee. Bottomline is I was there. And I was able to dine out with some of my org mates after a long time. I think I miss them. I think so. Haha.

2) I joined this quiz bee about LOVE yesterday. And since I'm used to frustrations in life, I gladly took home 1000 that my competitive teammates, Jacques 'The I Love Chow Yun Fat So Much that I Know All his Movie Lines!' guy and Jovan 'OMG I need PR' guy (joke lang.haha), divided among ourselves.

It makes me sad somehow. Given that we won the first price, I would have taken home 1000 and would have been able to buy a new orange pair of Chuck Taylors from JPIA's Converse Sale at Yellowhouse, AS Walk (30-70 per cent off). And yes, I just advertised.

3) Right now I have 1 100 pesos. If I can survive with 150 tomorrow, I'll rush to AS to buy that orange chucks. If I don't. Wala lang.

+++
I need to read over my economics lessons tonight. I had missed like, three classes already. Because apparently, Econ hates me.

Err.

Hi, I'm a Friggin' List

2009-02-01T14:24:00.000+08:00

Because I like to be neat and organized in an exaggerated way, I'll blog in a to-do-slash-list form. Or whatever.

1) I got sick after my 181 exam (quantitative analysis). Maybe because it was the first time that I studied in Starbucks for an exam. Or maybe because I realized one big mistake in my computation 20 minutes before the end of the allotted time, or after asking our prof 5 seemingly innocent questions just to fish for the right answer/solution. Harhar. The point is I got sick, and I felt so hurt and oppressed by the kind of system and competition the university is imposing upon us. LOL.

2) Because it's recent, I finally had my PSP repaired. It took me two trips to SM north, which is like, five minutes away from our QC apartment. At first the guys at Cyberzone kept on slipping back and forth the memory card through its slot, or switching it on and off. I hated them. But just three hours ago Kuya I-can't-give-you-a-200-discount finally fixed the thing. It cost me 700 pesos and a vow of starvation for the week.

And in addition, right now I'm downloading Harvest Moon, the only game I worshipped since forever. Omg. All these for Harvest Moon.

3) Spent last week's Friday evening in Trinoma for the nth time with my BA blockmates. And since we're a very uncoordinated bunch, we ended up leaving each other behind (err) and infuriating each other like mating cats. Pardon the metaphors, it's been too long since I last wrote something creative. And so the gist of the night was when Y and I just shared juicy life stories at the Main Lib's stairs, since we felt that it was too early to sleep.

4) Was jolted into reality by a flunking mark in a quiz. Err. What the hell.

5) Haven't been to Bannuar tambayan lately. Because company is selective and because my mood has been very uncooperative for the past week.

6) I'm so stressed lately, that I LOOK stressed. Just like what I shared with a friend, recently my life has been consciously and unconsciously centered on my acads, which I think is an exaggeration, or maybe just my excuse.

7) I don't think I'm making any sense. There's a time lapse in between this post's paragraphs, and I realized that the Harvest Moon file I was downloading was corrupted. So I'm downloading new torrents again.

8) I want to watch Slumdog Millionaire, and Milk, and Rachel Getting Married. Or anything I can get from the nearest DVD pirate.

9) Found my badminton shoes, after two years of mourning. My mother said I brought it with me when I checked in at Kalay way back freshie year, and then, she said, I lost it. The weird thing is, I believed her, and I was shocked when I saw the pair all yellowish but decent-looking just this morning. It was hidden inside one of the shoeboxes piled all over our QC house.

10) It's almost 9 in the evening and I have to go back to my dorm to finish my accounting exercises. But no, here I am waiting for my PSP game downloads to finish. Tomorrow's a free day anyway.

It's so hard to blog with Korina Sanchez blabbering at the background.

Anyway, nothing else. HOMG, my creative juices are DEAD.

Philippine Intercollegiate Debate Championship 2009

2009-01-27T18:19:00.000+08:00

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I So Hate This

2009-01-04T04:39:00.000+08:00

CASE #1:
Two days before Christmas, my older brother gave me his old PSP. Naturally I was overjoyed by such a showcase of charity, even if I don't know what I'm supposed to with a PSP, since I have a lot of things going on with my life lately.

But still, I showed some sense of gratitude by taking care of the PSP. Why 'care'?

Because it can't read any memory stick! And so I had to travel to a nearby city in Bicol to have the thing repaired. But because we are a historically poor regional group, nobody repairs PSPs in Bicol! Screw them!

And now, I'm scouring through internet forums to have that hell-destined PSP repaired, just so I don't have to spend anything.

Gahd. What is a PSP for if it doesn't even play games. I hate PSPs!

CASE #2:

Because my father is becoming so forgetful lately, he forgot to buy me a Christmas gift. Which is bad since he's the only one in our family kris kringle who wasn't able to wrap anything. And because he wants to be spontaneous, he immediately gave me his iPhone when he was on the household spotlight for non-compliance.

I was happy. Until I realized that iPhones are just too impractical for 18 year old UP students. iPhone applications are even expensive! I can't download anything for free, except those that are just downright crappy. And another realization, if you are a text-dependent teenager who can't afford calling people with your prepaid SIM, NEVER even dream of using an iPhone. You will die.

This is really bad. I hate iPhones too.

I hate gadgets. I hate technology.

But I'm still going to Greenhills later for some much needed repairs and upgrades. Gaaahd.

Tuna Sisig and the Birthday Boy

2008-12-28T21:33:00.000+08:00

His name was Caramel. He's just the same as all the gay comedy bar hosts you can find in Metro Manila, except that his humour is inclined more towards the rural, laid-back type. And in essence, he's not that funny. At all. In fact, his sense of fun is so distorted that my friends and I wondered how much Bicol has been left out in terms of entertainment value.

Good thing, though, that the night was not centered on Caramel alone and her pathetic attempts at perking up a rather bland evening at a distant province. It was K's birthday and he just turned 18. We've been good friends since we were 10, when he still brought a yellow Gameboy to school everyday, and when I was still as fat as a kid with metabolic disorder. For this year's edition, K decided not to break tradition by still opting to include a drinking spree in the itenerary.

However, he was so much into the party mood that he decided we should all get drunk at the city's lone decent disco club. And mind you, the level of decency is still lacking, we just didn't have any other choice.

So for the remaining hours of his birth day, K and the rest of our 'barkada' boozed the night away in semi-cold San Mig pilsen, indulging in sips and sighs while complaining about how sour the sizzling sisig was. Hours before that, the celebration was relatively more wholesome with all of us sucking in plates of sweet spaghetti and the chocolate cake K baked with his own cullinary audacity.

When I started with my college life, I thought that I wouldn't miss the company of the people who made my social life in Tabaco a little more memorable. But during times like these, such as sharing beer mugs and spoonfuls of tuna sisig with everyone else, I feel ashamed of having forgotten how fun it was to be with these people.

The evening ended at 1:30 AM, when we all walked back to K's house as the town poblacion glowed with what was left of its rural lights. It was drizzling and we squeezed under the few umbrellas we had, as G invited everyone to spend the evening at his house. Thankfully no one had too much alcohol that night, we still made sense as we tried to keep the conversations running.

J has a girlfriend now, the same girl he had been crushing on since we were 9, something he told me to keep as a secret until they become a couple. He managed to do that after 9 years. R is keeping his dream of becoming a math teacher. He was my seatmate during our Geometry and Algebra classes. We used to have problem solving races in high school. G, on the other hand, spent Christmas alone in their house by the hoodlum-land. That's where we were going to spend the night.

But I opted to go home, though. I felt the night was fun enough for me to retire and contemplate on what I have left behind to get my shot at a good life.

I wonder when we'll see each other again.

Sorry

2008-12-27T19:37:00.000+08:00

Sorry room mate.

I'm so apologetic that I have to blog about the apology. =)

The Boring 2008 Survey

2008-12-26T10:18:00.000+08:00

1) PLACE YOU HUNG OUT THE MOST IN THIS YEAR:

sa CBA out of compulsion, proximity and education. lol. masaya naman. sa Vinzons tambayan(?), sa Econ at syempre sa Ipil. T_T

2) FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED:

UP-ayala land technohub. malamig kasi dun kapag 11pm.

3) PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES:

ugh.

4) FAVORITE VACATION SPOT OF THE YEAR:

tabaco, albay. paging department of tourism.

5) PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN THIS YEAR:

omg, God forgive you.

______________________________________________________________________________*****PEOPLE:1)

PERSON/S WHO TAUGHT YOU ALOT THIS YEAR:

si Gavin Lee, andami kong natututunan sa giggles and laughter nya. pero labyu pa rin Sir!lol. si Mam Chua?kahit hindi ako nakikinig sa kanya. honestly, walang nagstastand out. so bakit ko pa sinasagutan.

2) AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR:

high school friendships siguro. kasi thrice akong nagbakasyon sa amin.

3) PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF:

dahil sa recency effect, siguro si jacques?kahit hindi ko maalala kung meron man.

4) PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU (AND WHAT):

si Jesus Christ. Yikee. T_T

5) PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR:

pwede hatiin yung year? nung last school year, syempre Kalay floormates. tapos this school year, si Alistair. nakakasawa na. joke.

6) PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR (AND WHAT):

Leya. sinamahan ko siya manood ng Oblation Run because she's tigang that way.

7) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR:

yung classmate ko sa Stat na mbb.harhar.

8) SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH:

deb soc people.lol.

9) OLD ENEMY YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR:

they're still my enemies eh. technically, si ace ligsay.

10) SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR:

yung asong binigay saken nung 9 years old ako. T_T

11) PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR:
eww. kadiri! haha

12) PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST:

Leya.

13) PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY:
ako. blame it on me. lol

14) PERSON YOU DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH:

walang nagfifit sa description na yan.

15) PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR:

wala eh. nag abstain ako. T_T

16) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO:

if i really wish to, sana ginawa ko na. wala rin.

17) PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH:

bad memories. LOL

18) FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH ALOT:

wah. ayoko mag enumerate. baka may makalimutan ako.

19) COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR:

safe answer: si God. i rediscovered Him.

______________________________________________________________________________*****STUFF:1)

CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE MOST THIS YEAR:

yung brown pants ko.

2) NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR:
PSP siguro, dahil sa market value. pero i'm still waiting..haha

3) FAVORITE SONG OF THE YEAR:

Love for a child-jason mraz

4) COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR:

up fair din

5) NEW 'HOBBY' YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR:

strolling.lol

6) BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR:

Accounting Principles-Wiegandt Kieso Kimmel. kasi siya lang yung ineeffort ko basahin.lol

7) BEST MOVIE of the year:
Erin Brokovich. ngayon ko lang naintindihan eh. harhar

8) MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:

Pope Benedict is gay

9) FAVORITE FOOD FOR THE YEAR:

Choco Kiss' Blueberry Cheese Cake (dahil paulit-ulit)

10) FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR:

pangit sila lahat

______________________________________________________________________________*****LESSONS:1)

WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:
pushed through simultaneous org application

2) STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:

deliberately not doing my best sa acads.

3) BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR:

my attention has shifted away from the academic. okay naman. wider world.

4) BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR:

staying sane.

5) SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY:

you can't get everything you want.

6) GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED ABOUT:

A. LIFE- it's really big. B. LOVE- illusions of it abound.

7) BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR:

'Edward Cullen is my soulmate.'

8) BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:

not being a US.harhar

9) BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR:

house renovation?

10) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD:

it's big nga. kulet.

11) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL:

not all of them will be good friends of yours.

______________________________________________________________________________*****AND

LASTLY!!!

1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:

discover what will really make me happy.

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:

A. LOVE – meron yan, i swear. B. CAREER – something fun to do alongside being a wannabe accountant. work sana, if only may time.

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
YEZ.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?

andami eh. walang cathartic, though

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?

my simultaneous debsoc and jpia application, napagod talaga ako.

4) Where were you when 2007 began?

sa quezon city.

5) Who were you with?
family

6) Where were you when 2007 ended?

sa QC pa rin.

7) Who were you with when 2007 ended?
family. ugh

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?

ewan ko kung meron. peor kung meron man, hindi.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?

ayoko.

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?

hindi. idedeny ko yan.

11) If yes, with who?
none.

12) If yes, do they know?

hindi yata. ay inconsistent.

13) Are you still in love with them?

nope.

14) Do you regret it?

kebs.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
hindi.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?
yes

17) Who are your favorite new friends?

all of my new friends. =)

18) What was your favorite month of 2007?

february

19) Did you travel outside of the Philippines in 2007?
NO

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?
err

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?

i think so.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?

yes

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?

Erin Brokobitch

24) What was your favorite song from 2007?

i'm yours. kung hindi lang sana sya nagasgas

25) What was your favorite record from 2007?

we sing, we dance, we steal things-jason mraz

26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?

ewan

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?

up fair

28) Did you drink alcohol in 2007?

yes

29) Did you do drugs in 2007?

nope.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?

kadiri. ew.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

oo naman. pero kebs.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?

pangit ka.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
yes

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?

yes.

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?

dapat ba exact amount?

37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?

nakakapit pa rin sa CS standing.lol

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?

malamang kinalimutan ko na

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?

shouldn't have gotten drunk. on many occasions.

40) What are your plans for 2008?
i'm gonna get them.

Ama Niamo on a Christmas Day

2008-12-25T18:16:00.000+08:00

In the Bicolano language, our dearest non-discriminating Lord's prayer, 'Our Father' is called Ama Niamo, and it has it's distinct tone and music when sung. Every time I hear mass at UP chapel, I would sing the Bicolano version instead of the Tagalog one, because I am irked by the numerous versions they have for the Tagalog version. There's a pop-ish one, and there's a chant-like version which I like more.

Tonight I was able to sing the Bicolano version again, after two years of obstinately refusing to hear mass at our town's main Catholic church. But as a respect to UP's intellectual contribution to my life, I intentionally veered away from listening to the homily and from reciting the prayers projected on the screen. Since, I hate those things, to that extent. The point is, I never thought I missed speaking the Bicolano language this much, especially our town's dialect. My conversations on the vernacular are usually limited to the Naga people I know.

After many years, as well, I was able to take communion at our Church. Not that I recognize any redemption it could actually bring, or a closer shot at salvation. I just want the feeling of lining up, opening your mouth and saying amen. And don't take that out of the context.

Which reminds me of a conversation over text messages that a friend shared to me:

BB: Aaargh! The church is sooo corrupt!
AA: Kebs. Nothing else offers a more concrete package for redemption.
BB: They could at least materialize the package, to make salvation more enticing.
AA: Friend, that's why there are priests who f*ck.

This is supposed to be my Christmas-themed post, but apparently, I've run out of all the mushy things one needs to be able to write something inspirational.

But for the season's sake, I think this year's Christmas feels like the ones I used to have back when I was a child. Which is a statement of fact, nothing sentimental.

When we talk about haircuts

2008-12-23T18:34:00.000+08:00

I realized I badly need a haircut. Something I should have gotten like, two weeks ago, if I wasn't so freaked out that I might run out of money come UP's Christmas celebrations.

The idea came up while I looked at how ridiculous my hairdo had become, especially if you rub wax on it not because you have a desired effect, but because you just want it to stay at one place. Gahd, I hate bad hair days. I blame Bruno's for this, they should post a disclaimer on their doors telling potential victims that they only do haircuts for old people.

I used to have this really old barber who had been my haircutter ever since I was 4, I don't know if he still, err, cuts or whatever. I stopped getting my haircuts from him when I was in fourth year high school, when i realized that his styling weren't bilaterally symmetrical. I felt so cheated that from then on, I regularly had my hair done at our town's only air-conditioned barber shop owned by the old-rich Chinese grandpas.

Here's a list of the barber shops and salons I've been to, and why you should avoid them:

David's Salon, SM North Edsa Main Building- There's a fat woman who cuts for this branch of David's. Waiting time for her is waaaay longer than the time she spends cutting your hair. I think she's lazy. I hate her. But of the four hair cuts she did on me, two were tolerable. And then there's this old woman who demands the same pay, she sucks as well. Her haircut made me look like I was sick.

Kevin's Kut, Trinoma- When I realized that David's Salon is unreasonably expensive, I tried this cheap-looking barber shop located at Trinoma. For one, it really is cheap, like 110 pesos, and they're good at barber's cut. The thing is, that's the only thing they're good at. At Kevin's Kut, they have no concept of haircut creativity, if there really is such. Once there was this barber who said my hair growth was abnormal. And so he cut and cut strands until I was near being semi-kalbo. I hate him, too.

David's For Rever, SM North Edsa The Block- I only had two haircuts in here. The first one looked like it was done by a malfunctioning razor shaver. The second one was kind of nice, since I specifically instructed ate haircutter to copy John Pratt's hairstyle. LOL

Ew. Why the hell am I blogging about hair cuts, anyway.

Merry Christmas!

Two years ago...

2008-12-22T17:57:00.000+08:00

I was browsing through my old blog site at Blogspot when I stumbled upon my Christmas-themed posts two years ago, as well as the ones I wrote in 2006. And since Multiply people are getting edgier and edgier when it comes to being creative with their posts (lol, Batac), I decided to feel nostalgic and post them here. Harhar. (ang cute ng tawang 'harhar'. lol)

December 2007

i hate this. i miss spending christmas in tabaco. the visual memory of walking to the streetsides to ride on the padyak, my blurry visions of the church altar while i pretend to listen, the exact crevices of the asphalt roads while we walk back home, i can still remember them.

but now my father wants us to regularly go to pampanga for christmas vacation. like, what the hell. i don't even speak kapampangan.

ever since my siblings started leaving tabaco to go on with their lives, we had been spending our christmas break in pampanga. last year, when we left because of the typhoon, we stayed there and snored the holiday away.

i told my father four hours ago that i wanted to stay here in quezon city and just follow them in the 24th, so i can be so jumpily happy with my internet life. he said no. i can still remember my christmas memories in my parents' hometown. we stay inside our granparents' hut like lethargic people, sitting our asses away simply because pampanga barrio lifestylewasn't the lifestyle we had. no, i don't wash plates, i don't feed chickens and i don't take a bath in deep wells. gahd. why is it so hard to understand?

I sound bratty two years ago. I hate me (two years ago).

December 2006

...meanwhile, ACET results are out in January. another frustration of mine is my ADMU course, bs chem/materials science eng'g. if i knew better i would have taken management engineering, like JK. anyway i don't think about these things much, ADMU will always be my second choice for my tertiary education. we're not filthy rich... i remember taking the ACET in Oct with daryl. we were in the same room and i could still recall the essay part. i was in my O.C mode.and another was the limited time for each area of study. i really thought it was quite fun. parang karera.

DLSUCET was the easier test[compared to ACET]. back then i didn't really like the university[because of my maroon brother], but now i am having some considerations since i took a good course upon application. bs econ and bs accountancy, double degree. which is the best path towards my other dream of being a corporate lawyer [the other one is being a neurosurgeon]. but i don't like the environment in DLSU, i think it's not how i like my academic life to be...

Big disclaimer:
I made this two years ago, that's why I kind of sound...innocently stupid. I can't recall ever dreaming of becoming a neurosurgeon, though. Grey's Anatomy had something to do with it. Another thing I observed, I used to write really long posts. Weird.

Why the hell can't I undo the italicize effect. Anyhoo, back-reading is kind of fun. I should do this often.

Yes, my hometown has internet connection

2008-12-21T20:35:00.000+08:00

People are painting the house beige. Or yellow. Or whatever name they have for it.

My room, on the other hand, will be painted 'Flamingo Sweet'. Please don't laugh. It's the best shade of orange I could find on Boysen's color catalogue.

I've been home for two days now, and every time I wake up, the stench of paint is the first one to greet me. Which accurately explains my runny nose and my frequent headaches, if you discount the fact that I have been eating ice cream nonstop even with this kind of weather.

My parents decided to have our house repainted, or remodelled, or renovated in general. Actually, the renovation kicked off like, eleven months ago, but we only felt the sense of urgency right now, as the brood decided to flock in our 'ancestal' house for the holidays.

That's why we feel crowded. That's why I feel ill everyday, because of the fluttering sawdust, because of the offensive smell, because of the smell of labor. LOL. But no complaints, too bad I won't see the whole thing finished since work had to be cut to give way for our dearly beloved Christmas.

+++

I have two sets of accounting problems to be solved throughout Christmas break. I know it's not that bad, but I don't have a study table at home to rest my calculator on. My old one is now covered with newspapers, with beige paint splattered all over it.

Which makes me consider answering the whole thing at our hometown's very own Jollibee branch (yes, I am so proud of this), while facing the risk of seeing my high school teachers or high school enemies again, after almost two years of pure bliss.

I don't know. I just want to think I have some sort of a problem. Because right now I don't, and I don't want to get used to the feeling because it might kill me when January 6 approaches. I miss my UP life already. But my hometown, Tabaco, looks fun enough, it reminds me of Bella's Washington town in 'Twilight', since they both look really gloomy and Indie movie-ish.

Not that I'm a fan.

too blank

2008-12-18T19:23:00.000+08:00

I'm not really holding on to anything. I just like staying in here, watching the world tumble away.

I'm not really in any position. I just like getting rooted to somewhere. Because I like security. Because it's hard to look for something new.

I'm not really dying. I just find it hard to absorb things, to understand. Because I like denial. I like refusal. I like creating my own version of things.

I'm not really waiting. I just like watching you from here.

I'm not really hurt. I just welcome the illusion of pain. Because it reminds me of all the what-could-bes. And all the things that will never happen.

It was a reaaaaally long night

2008-12-18T12:32:00.000+08:00

Today, I feel so shitty. After a nine hour sleep. After taking an acid bath. After thanking my brother for treating me with a mocha frap that was too warm to be appreciated.

It would have been a nice memory had the Ms.Engg pageant ended earlier. Because it was too dragging, and all of the contestants looked horrible. They all looked too dehydrated. In fact, the whole thing ended in such an eerie hour that we didn't even know what to do next. I was with Bannuar, and we opted to walk all the way to Jollibee Philcoa because we felt famished after watching 18 guys do what they do best, look ugly.

But since we live in a nocturnal world, Jollibee was full. As in, it-pains-me-in-the-neck-to-squeeze-with-everyone full. And since we give value to isolation, we mulled on the idea of spending the morning in QC circle's karnabal. That was why we found our selves screaming our lungs out while we crossed Commonwealth together, and then Elliptical road.

We nearly died. Promise.

(A car zooms past ala-drifting wannabe.)
Ivy: (Shouting at the car driver) Hoy, umayos ka nga! Hindi ito race...(thinks)...kart!

Of course ''Karnabal sa Circle' was closed. Perhaps our sleepiness just triggered an automatic denial mechanism. In fact, we were so frustrated that we just indulged in small talks in QC circle's grassy expanse.

Yeah I know. It's...eww.

I felt so bad thinking I was spending time in QC Circle that I just pretended we were in our tambayan, laughing, skipping and hopping. But no, there were male whores all around us. And there were stacks of buko everywhere.

The morning ended over Jolly hotdog meals in Jollibee philcoa. We had to elbow out Engg orgs for the remaining tables, since we noticed they were just sleeping on them anyway. Grepa much. Lol. One by one we went home, and I took the first jeepney ride back to UP with fellow Bannuar people who lived in dorms.

And then I slept. And then woke up, packed my bags and find myself in our apartment-very-near-Trinoma, feeling so shitty and all.

Tomorrow I'll be bound for Bicol, and oddly enough, unlike last sem break, I don't want to go back there. I think I'm getting rooted in Manila, little by little. And I can imagine Deb Soc Naga people badgering me right now, reminding me of the rurality with which I was reared. LOL

Here's a memory of last night (or this early morning) that I had pushed at the back of my mind, for convenience's sake.

I had just puffed a stick of menthol cigarette (and yes, Will, I'm not bothered with menthol's health threats) when I bumped into Kat Usita. I learned that she just came from a drinking spree, although she looked really sober, sober enough to attempt introducing me to her straight brother (haha). And then, we shared stories. And I was shocked in a but-i-thought-he-said(...) way. Pero kebs, it's too worthless for me to still mull over it. Defensive much. LOL uli.

That's why I feel so shitty. Because it was such a long night. Because it was such a long non-drunkenness-induced sleep. Because it was such a fun night and yet so imperfect.

Because I put drama in things that were never dramatic in the first place.

But drama is just so fun.

WTF

2008-12-14T06:37:00.000+08:00

I hate this.

My head aches so bad.

I'm still dizzy, like, bordering on the i-can't-function-properly dizziness.

I don't know where my cellphone is.

I couldn't finish my lunch.

I still have to do a lot of accounting stuff but I think I should get some sleep.

Gahd

Blame the Leader

2008-12-08T12:34:00.000+08:00

I sat with org mate, Ate S, on our bus ride back to Manila. It was early morning in Baguio, and the air conditioning kept on wheezing and puffing. The seats were a bit grimy, the spaces, constrained. I was wondering why I was leaving Baguio at such an early hour, since I haven't gone to Lourdes Grotto ever, not that I wanted to kneel down and pray. It's just that, the whole Baguio thing would have been better. Much better.

Because we wanted to be relevant, I asked Ate S what was it in leadership that got her to the whole let's-be-responisble drama. I told her about how I hated leadership roles way back in high school, simply because to be a leader then, I had no choice but to impose upon uncooperative vermins of the earth. I always felt that leadership bordered on tyranny, and I hate the feeling of too much power.

I hate the sense of elevation that leadership brings.

Ate S, though, talked about leadership in another way. I had often heard her say those things, during small org talks over pancit bilaos, and on other forgotten conversations at the tambayan. She had always believed that leadership wasn't about influence. That it wasn't about how stiff you enforce, or impose, or dominate or all the dim synonyms you can think of.

She thinks leadership is about inspiring people. It's about paving the way, not spanking the horse's ass to run to the right direction or to gallop a little faster. It's about making them do things, because you're so good at it that it shames others not to even try. I admire Ate S for that, I've always been fascinated by people like her.

But when I contemplated about the 'challenge' of leadership, I realized it was the same thing I have been running away from for years now. I didn't like the challenge because it lures. I didn't like the challenge because it becomes an excuse to do things, it becomes a justification, it becomes a validation of power acquisition.

I praise leaders like Ate S, who look at leading as something parallel to inspiring.

On the other hand, I fear and I loathe leaders who make leadership an excuse to boss people around, who make it a license for them to talk, and gawk, and blabber about stuff.

I hate the scums of the earth who think being a leader means being right all the time. Honestly.

***

PS

On the blame game.

I realized it's so easy to blame people if:

1) you don't know them
2) you think you know you know them
3) you just want to feel in control

Must be so hard to assertively point the finger, especially if you know that it means you do not have any emotional investment to lose, or any personal relationship to ruin.

Very Bad Haikus and Very Bad Quest for Sobriety

2008-11-29T12:21:00.000+08:00

Let's Blog in Haiku Form:

I went to a bar
Red lights, smell of alcohol
I got drunk and danced

I think something is wrong with unemotional, blank haikus. And I think syllabication restrictions are just...downright restrictive on the artistic aspect. But who cares, I'm just practicing haiku-writing for my MPs 10 class, probably the only class I will be enjoying for this sem. Followed by Philippine Folk Dancing, since I'm having this renewed sense of nationalism and since I feel that Polka sa Nayon is for me. Ew.

I got really drunk last night. Thank God. I've been too sober for so long already ever since my emo i'll-drink-myself-to-sleep-inside-my-dorm-room nights. Yey.

I'm getting bored of writing. I think this is the effect of marathon accounting problems and a bad brain for numbers.

God, save me.

---
I did something terribly wrong last Friday afternoon. And in an effort to mitigate whatever wrongness it has caused, I made another mistake again. Isn't that kinda...poetic.

I'm not running around for the 'thrill'. Honestly, I'm not.

I'm just...shy. LOL

Chuck and Luck

2008-11-24T10:50:00.000+08:00

I have a dilemma.

Read 'inferno" for my English 12 class.

OR

Read Chapters 14-15 of my accounting text book.

OR

Finish 'Chuck' season 2 up to 3 in the morning.

I go for Chuck. Since it rhymes with, err, luck.

Not Fun Anymore

2008-11-24T09:32:00.000+08:00

I think this is the last time I will post a disturbingly emo blog entry.

Yes, I myself am getting tired of all the mushy drama about love or more appropriately, the illusion of it. LOL

Like what I have told people who know this issue, thins are just too 'unfounded'.

And yes, because I choose to be happy and merry and happy again, I choose to end this all.

The drama isn't fun anymore. So, back to my old, comfortably dull life.

I Thought

2008-11-22T08:37:00.000+08:00

Last night was full of realizations, both solicited and unsolicited.

Screw life dramas. And screw the losers of the world.

I'll just go on living my life.

Nobody Knows

2008-11-20T18:07:00.000+08:00

I don't think 'moving on' is even a valid option.

It couldn't even actuate itself. Though I couldn't even say the idea of it exists in the first place.

But the virtual suspense kills me. Lol.

Before it ends

2008-11-19T09:39:00.000+08:00

i don't want to worry that this could be over before it could finally start.

and so i sit here and type.

Irony of Mall Sales

2008-11-15T20:26:00.000+08:00

I hate how Trinoma and SM North Edsa are biting each others' asses off with their three day sales. It jams the traffic in our area in a really horrible way. It takes 20 minutes for me to reach our apartment from SM Cyberzone. Any normal day will give me a mere 5 minute ride. I hate these sale-obsessed shoppers. If they think shopping is so symbolic of affluency, then why the hell are they drooling over reduced market prices. And they're even audacious enough to bring along their cars, natratraffic tuloy kami. Kainis.

Anywaaaay, mall sales aren't really the highlight of my day. Since it's a weekend, I'm supposed to rant about my wonderful first week of classes.

But I realize that, well, it's not wonderful at all. How ironic.

Why we hate, and why we try to deny our hatred

2008-11-07T20:09:00.000+08:00

Everyone's talking about their first day. First day seeing bitchy professors. First day talking to the girl or guy or gay guy at your right. First day realizing that the sem could be a blast, or a bore, or another punitive imposition of a stagnant education system.

My first day is too fuzzy. It's so blurry that it feels unlike any of the first days I had ever since I was in Nursery.

There was no feeling of excitement. Nothing to look forward to. I couldn't even get nervous or feel jittery. Because I didn't care. I was too preoccupied with things.

I want to ask myself what I am getting myself into. This isn't how I kick off the sem. Ever since I got into UP, I always spend my first days sitting on worn out chairs for hours, listening to background conversations, staring at the door while betting on another prof no-show. But today I didn't even bother going to my classes.

Because I slept at five in the morning and woke up at 10, near noon. I missed my major subject, and Ralph told me the professor had us arranged alphabetically. And my seat was vacant, he told me. I was one of the two audacious BA students who did not show up at the first day of BA 181. But I feel like I don't care. What the hell is wrong with me.

I did not attend a single class. And I did not even attempt to check if my profs were eager enough to display their intellectual brouhahas at the first day.

I lined up at PNB to get things done. I stood at the line for three hours, listening to Jason Mraz go emo over my earphones, reading Third Bagro's thoughts on UP forum, staring at the UP law dude in front of me who puffed Marlboro every minute without any blink or fudging. I didn't even shake my knees while thinking of the classes I have missed. What is wrong with me.

Let me tell you how I spent my first day.

I stayed in School of Stat for hours. Only leaving to buy Globe load, or eat at SC, or get some breath of fresh air because the faculty room atmosphere nearly killed me. No, the waiting suffocated me, the injustice irked me, the system almost made me cry. Again. Or for the last time. I pray to God, never again please.

I waited for my professor to come. To grab that freaking knob and make herself appear before me. I wanted to ask her what will become of my grade now, now that I discovered, after she had posted it on the CRS already, that she recorded my 96.15% grade in an exam as 70.513%.

I texted her two hours ago, while I was scouring through Toy Kingdom's shelves, sucking in all the fun and nostalgia I could get from the toys I was never able to buy as a child. I texted her while I made myself happy, after a day plunged into what-could-bes and perspective morphism. She told me I should have known better and inquired before, that I should have known better and checked her Gmail group which I was not a part of. She told me I should have been reminded. But I wasn't. And I feel really sorry, and really pathetic, thinking that I have my efforts flushed down.

It feels like rejection. It's like a work of art spat on, burned down, unrecognized. A sweet, fought-for piece of trash. It feels like me rebuilding things, questioning things, dreaming of things I could never have. Because the system says so.

God knows I want this semester to be so beautiful that it can make me cry with its nearly perfect beauty. If beauty means me loving what the system tries to feed me. If beauty means me laughing at the end of the day, because I learned what I wanted to learn.

God knows I really want that to happen. God knows I don't want this pre-sem inconvenience to put a stain on my magnificent academic master plan. God knows I want to overcome thoughts that push me down.

I will make this semester beautiful. But the circumstance seems to mock me, ridicule me, discourage me. And all I could do is to call on friends and convince them that Java Chip Frapuccino can make me really happy.

I want to see what's good in this deep shit.

I want to do that. I want to channel Rhonda Byrne's 'The Secret'.

Screw CS standing, screw erratic grade recording, screw motivational incapacity, screw 'starting-it-with-the-wrong-foot'.

I don't know what kind of irrationality will back this kind of persistence. But I swear to God that if another messed up universal handwork messes with my mindset again, I will bitch-slap that thing until it disappears from memory.

Meaning, *happy thoughts*, *happy thoughts*.

Things will be perfectly fine.

Love of Enrolment

2008-11-06T02:13:00.000+08:00

It's seven in the morning and I haven't slept yet.

OMG.

Love of Siam disappoints me. I need to watch it again continuously, ie without YouTube's lousy split up version.

Gusto ko kunwari na absorb ko yung story pero parang hindi talaga. Bwiset.

Makaligo na nga at maka-enrol.

Okay ba kung mag 15 units lang ako?

2008-11-02T18:01:00.000+08:00

I am thinking of having only 15 units for this semester. I don't know, I just think I can afford that kind of convenience right now. Although my father is totally against it, I'm still seriously considering scrapping one subject off, I'm sure he won''t know. LOL

I want a lighter load because:

1) I want a part-time job. Since I'm already 18, I want a higher level of responsibility, ie earning for myself, getting stressed out because that's what the contracts asks for, etc. School work has a value, of course, but I'm free now, I want to discover more avenues for personal growth (naks). I've been going in and out of the school for 18 years now, I want to look for something supplemental to what i'm learning from the academe.

2) I want to devote more time for org works and org demands. Like what Jacques kept on blabbering on his blog, I want to exert more effort in debate training. As much as Alistair likes to keep painting a positive outlook on our academic life next year, I fear that I really have to get myself stuck on CBA's demands come junior standing. That is why I'm thinking of ways to compensate for this trade-off my giving more time to something I really love doing-debating. As of now, with 18 units, I would be able to go home not later than 2:30 everyday. I think that would be enough for training.

However, I also want to take an active role as print editor-slash-writer for Networx, the newsletter of Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants, one of my three beloved orgs. LOL. I really miss writing. I gave up leisure writing once I started doing journals, ledgers, and whaever-accounting-stuff everyday for the last four months. I feel burnt out, artistically. I see Networx as one of my few remaining outlets, and I really want to function in JPIA. You see, the drive and motivation within the org is just too contagious. Tipong mahihiya ka kung hindi ka that productive.

Finally, even if I've been such a lazy ass ever since induction, I want to be more visible in Bannuar (my first org in UP). I know I can't be really that involved and active, sorry for that, but at the very least, I don't want to be left out when it comes to bonding times or bumming-around moments. Like what they often say, Bannuar is more of a friendship-clique-whatever than your typical org. So, there.

3) I think it's about time I move out of the classroom and interact more with the world, or at the very least, with UP culture.

My Fan, CRS, and the Oddities of Rural Living

2008-10-31T17:28:00.000+08:00

On CRS:

I find it surprising that there were students who practically got zero units from CRS. I actually thought CRS is, err, more caring now, compared to how pathetically useless it was a year ago when I was still a freshie and yet it gave me 6 friggin' units after three rounds of processing.

Which makes me feel thankful at the end of the day, having 18 full units that will make me preoccupied for the next few months. Add to that the uber boring CBA CWTS and a PE-Badminton class from the legendary and the ancient, Ms. Caces.

It makes my neurons twitch, though. I want to cancel CBA CWTS at the last minute since I could not digest the sense of it. I mean, Jesus Christ, I want to mix cement and build homes for the homeless. Do they have that at NCPAG? Anyway, there. I 'm not so sure with the whole corporate social responsibility effect of BA CWTS. I want it hands-on, full-time.

Re: AH requirements. I was talking to Jelline over YM when I realized I only need one more subject to fulfill my AH requirements. But for this sem I plan to get Eng 10 and Eng 12 (both of which my fan, CRS, already gave me) since the thought of taking another MST horrifies me to death (think: Env Sci under Miguel Fortes). This is something I consider a breather for me really, I want to enjoy the sem. I want any MST subject away from my immediate sight. And I badly miss taking fun classes. Last sem was a four-month nightmare.

On the semestral break:

Some of my high school friends and I met up this afternoon to say our goodbyes to a classmate who had her sem break cut short. She had to take a removal exam for a nursing subject in UP Manila. Poor girl, if only she knew we drank beer immediately after she left.

I met up with A who's an accountancy major in a university in Bicol, MR, this gaunt almost malnourished Stat-major studying in UPLB, MK who shocked me out of my wits when he took nursing (because he's just too..straight) and MR who just got back pulling out babies from vaginas in her Manila nursing duties.

We exchanged stories over Burger Yums and Jolly spaghettis in our town's lone Jollibee outlet (yes, Nash, there is a jollibee in tabaco), dishing out nasty gossips or constructing a new one for the heck of it. It made me realize how much I missed talking to the people who were there when I was horridly pubertal and pre-adolescent. To some extent, I felt that they were a few of the people who knew me years before I decided I can redefine myself (naks) [translate: we went through puberty together, so we all know our awkward moments of growth].

Later, we decided to drink Red Horse at this open-air bar in our town. And right after half a bottle, MK and MU had already passed, using arguments on morality and propriety to justify why they chickened out. Jeez, these Bicol people should read Dan Brown and watch Gossip Girl to update their sense of morality and sense of faith. Anyhoo, since we all felt like good sons and daughters to our parents, we decided not to get drunk and to go home earlier that night while chewing on Maxx Menthol.

And mind you, in our town, when the clock is near eight PM, we're already worrying about our Moms and Dads screaming their lungs out because it's already too late for any probinsyano-kind of partying. Shocking, I know.

Not to mention that we don't even have Starbucks. Or any Karaoke booth. It makes me depressed some times.

Isa Pa, OA na

2008-10-30T16:48:00.000+08:00

Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa grade ko sa Statistics 101.

Hindi ko alam kung anong kaluluwa ang sumapi sa prof ko, o baka nga naman pinanganak na siya na may ganoong klaseng kaluluwa. Kung gayon ang kaso, tangenang kaluluwa niya yan.

Grabe. Antagal ko nang dramatic dahil sa grades. Kadiri na.

[Realization: Ang kyut pala mag blog sa Tagalog, may lower level of pretension. lol]

Simple lang naman kasi ang gusto ko mangyari eh, after all is said and done. After na post na niya ang grades ko, after ko mag log in sa CRS, after ko magdali-dali papuntang grocery para bumili ng ice cream at magpaka-emo, after ko mag DVD marathon ng American Pie/Final Destination/Scream.

Gusto ko lang siya magdusa. Magdusa ka Mam. You're so unfair.

+++

Hinihintay ko na lang ngayong dumating ang mga pamangkin ko. Para naman ma realize ko na once sa buhay ko eh 4 years old din ako na hindi pa nakaranas ng isang unfair na Stat101 course. LOL.

Sana gumana na yung isang pirated DVD na binili ko. Dahil sabi ni Hyro-kalai-batchmate na maganda yung mga sumunod na American Pie movies, buong gabi ako magmamarathon habang tumatakam ng Cookies N Cream ng tangenang Selecta na yan. Gusto ko kasi maalis sa sistema ko yung blown up frustration ko sa Stat. Nakakainis talaga. Haha. Hehe. LOL

Haynako bwiset. Ayoko pa bumalik ng Diliman.

Magflofloorwax na naman ako nyan sa Dorm. Asar.

How to Watch American Pie and Why Stat Profs Are...Bad

2008-10-29T20:39:00.000+08:00

I love American Pie movies. Except all of those that came after 'American Wedding'. I love them so much that I got teary-eyed after the third film, because it was the last time I will see Jim, Finch, Kev and Stifler again.

Not to mention the fact that Oz was already gone by the third movie. As well as his girlfirend and Kevin's girlfriend. I never thought American Pie movies were good, I only thought they were sexual. I learned about 'phone sex' from American Pie 2, when I was in grade school. Of course I didn't practice it! I just learned it existed, defensive.

I'm too sad to write. One day I'll write a good, substantial review, unlike my review for 'Bratz' which that bitch, Allan Habon slammed to save what is left of his heterosexuality. LOL.

I love you American Pie! And so that I will have good memories of you, I won't watch the fourth movie and any other cheap sequels that will follow. And yeah, I will pray for a reunion.

Until then, let me pray that my Stat prof goes to hell. That bitch.

Looking for Some Sense of Motivation

2008-10-29T15:11:00.000+08:00

I should be happy right now. I've finished my American Pie marathon, getting depressed at the third movie where the four of them weren't complete anymore, and where Stifler has become the star and Jason Biggs, a mere supporting role.

I should be happy right now. I bought another pirated DVD collection. It has the Kill Bill volumes in it, Charlies Angels, Eon Flux, and all the other movies where feminists would have been proud. I should be happy because this is becoming the most lethargic semestral break ever.

But I'm not. My f*cked up grades got me wallowing at the end of the day.

I want to blame it on me just for the sake of injecting a sense of reason and causality for this terrible thing. Blame it on joining two orgs at the same time, blame it on getting drunk in exam weeks, blame it on the lack of motivation. On the prolonged adjustment period. On the conflicts of interests and hesitations on the discipline.

I want to blame a lot of things but I'd still live with a transcript this stained. I just can't digest the fact that things could have been better but I opted to just sit back.

God knows I will be a grade maniac next semester. No more divine intervention obsession. GC na kung GC.

But before that, I have to kill my Stat prof first.

Who Loves Economics?

2008-10-28T07:36:00.000+08:00

Grabe, Econ.

Paimportante kang subject ka. Tapos ganito ka lang mag-grade. LOL

Akala naman kasi ng Econ kapag nagpaka strict sila eh wala nang magchecheat sa mga Econ subjects. Knowing Econ, maiintindihan ko yung mga cheaters na yan, joke lang.

Ah basta. Bwiset ka Econ. Die!

'Bratz' the Movie and Bad Samsung Refrigirators

2008-10-26T20:29:00.000+08:00

I did something terribly wrong tonight. It's something near sin. It's not something I'm proud of, and to some extent, I see it as a grave embarrassment.

I just watched the 'Bratz' movie. God, please forgive me.

I never meant it to happen, it was just a trick of opportunity, an unintentional twiddling with the forbidden. Of course it's forgivable, the evil of watching the Bratz movie is not really absolute. But I feel guilty, I feel devastated.

It's because I thought it was fun. Oh My My.

Blame those pirated DVD collections. I was only supposed to watch the Scary Movie series when the laptop player found its way to the Bratz movie. At first I thought it was another cheap flick squeezed in the DVD just for the heck of squeezing, but minutes into the movie and I was actually watching it.

I feel so ashamed.

LOL. Anyway, whatever. I thought Bratz was even more decent than those crappy High School Musical films. I felt that the storyline was even more well thought of and logical than Gabriela being a chem-whiz, Troy being a basketball jock and then Gabriela baring her dark boobs in the internet.

But of course, it's not as if I'm telling everyone to go to your nearest DVD pirate and grabe a copy of 'Bratz', it's just that, Disney is getting richer for the wrong reasons.

I feel this sem break is quite useful. I remember, weeks before I had to leave for Diliman to finally start my college life, I went on a Korean movie marathon. And now that I'm back, I'm watching, err, films about dolls. This is weird.

***
Something's wrong with our house's refrigirator. All the ice cream I have bought just melted away. The hardest they could get is the syrupy kind, and ice cream syrups taste bad. I hate Samsung refrigirators! South Korea should be bombed for this!

Why I Love Urbanity

2008-10-26T13:22:00.000+08:00

I can't believe pirated DVD stalls here in my hometown sell Iisa Pa Lang DVDs. Honestly. And they're even arranged right next to copies of I Love Betty La Fea, Dyesebel and compilations of Rudy Fernandez's movies. It made me so sad that I had to buy a family-sized Choco Hazel Nut Brownie ice cream and a plastic bag full of seedless green grapes to uplift my mood.

Originally, I was looking for a copy of 'Drawn Together' a satirical and ridiculously funny animated series that lasted for two seasons in JackTV. I finished the first season when I was in Naga where Will and Barbie introduced the series to me. I got hooked ever since, I think God destined me to see 'Drawn Together'.

But, jeez, there are no signs of 'Drawn Together' DVDs here in Albay. I bet no one even knows what the hell it is. It makes me really depressed. So depressed that I opted to buy those 30-in-1 DVDs full of American Pie and Scary Movie films. Now I'm excited.

Nothing much is happening this sem break, except of course, my adjudication spree in Naga where I realized that swanky coffee houses are actually fun. I feel so lethargic and useless, which is what I intend to feel after one whole semester full of emotional breakdowns [LOL].

I miss being home. But I hate underdevelopment!

Let Me Whine with No Alcohol

2008-10-23T15:29:00.000+08:00

Jeez.

I'm somewhere in Naga overspending, underfed and technically lost. Plus, I couldn't get drunk because Naga has morals!

If I went to Davao, I would have adjed people, like, debating people. Special thanks to Riley for making me realize that passing up NDC is not such a good idea. Pero kebs na, I just want to come home to Bicol. Of course I'm rationalizing.

This is just sad. I thought I'll get drunk every Naga night. But here I am in Netopia, a jeepney ride away from my assigned bed, and very, very sober.

Thank God 'Drawn Together' makes me as happy as hell.

Anyway, this is for Batac and friends. LOL

Next year, NDC naaa. Aaaaah! Okay, back to my 'Drawn Together' marathon.

*Happiness*

From Where We Came

2008-10-18T22:20:00.000+08:00

I miss talking to her, M, my classmate since God-knows-when. We went to kindergarten together, all the way up to elementary and high school. We used to play around the class rankings, outpulling each other for either rank 1 or rank 2, with me getting the better spot at the end as she discovered the wonders of pubertal flirtations.

In high school she never cared anymore while I thought the honors system was a joy from above, killing myself for high grades while she read Harry Potter books in between Daniel Radcliffe daydreams. M even told me, in her own kind of sarcasm, that had I gotten into the Med program, we would have been in UP Manila together, enduring urban toxicity or staring at the grimy city concrete.

Today we rode the LRT together. We hopped in a taxi together, scouring the Makati cityscape for that ubiquitous Shopwise logo that popped out of the aerial background. We asked old men where El Rico Suites were, and then kuya driver just soared through the road. M and I used to just ride padyaks in our small town. We were amazed at the thought of growing old.

MR was the healthier friend. She was my dance partner when we had to perform native dances in fifth grade music. I told her, when we sat at her inn's lobby, that after our every practice, I would wash my hands because her palms were to sweaty. She slapped me on my shoulder and screamed that I never changed. I laughed at her and at the Twilight book she held on her hand. She said it made her shiver during evenings, shiver in romance. And I thought in my mind, God, this girl never had a boyfriend.

MR was in the city for some goal she never wanted. I do not know if she has one right now. But with the goodness in me, I honestly hope she'll fix her life. Not as if it's broken, though, I just like our friendship THAT much so as to hate the day she'll start regretting things. She said she enjoys assisting child births now. She said her hands had acquired that elusive dexterity in aidiing life. I told her when its her time to be someone's mama, she won't have any worries opening her legs and doing the thing.

MR said she only needed her hands and a mirror for that. She had always been a strong, irrational girl.

I think we are friends. They had their girly cliques in high school, though. They always walked home together, or in padyak rides, during the dusks when were still clueless about real life. But this afternoon, we ate lunch together. And MR was that kind to pay for our meals, perhaps, an act of apology that she could only meet us up for two hours. She had nursing duties at afternoons.

I do not think she's happy about the miracle of life and birth. But she seems well, she seems healthier. She had tiredness etched on her face.

We talked about our lives. How it had changed. How intermittent our talks had become. How far the distance had stretched. M talked about slicing human arms, picking out maggots from pig intestines. MR talked about the first time she inserted a urinal tube through a man's penis as she prayed to God she wasn't committing a sin.

I looked at them and I looked at my free meal. Solita Monsod always said there's no such thing as a free lunch. I was having a free lunch with friends, and the only trade-off I saw was that lately, we haven't seen how much we've outgrown our silly selves.

M and I watched MR board the green van along with her nursing classmates, playmates, bedmates or whoever they were. She wore her clean and white nursing uniform, with laces on the front, like their high school uniform. I asked her how many yards it took to make her a nursing getup as decent as that one.

She slapped me again on the shoulder.

When the doors closed, MR's face was blurred by the window tint. We could only imagine her face, in our parting, beneath the opaque blackness and the sun's occasional glare. We watched that green van take her somewhere. To a hospital, perhaps, where mothers nurse their children with their tired breasts. Where people live to die in the end. Where she circles around in uncertainty, in hope and in compromises.

And then I opened my umbrella, because the sun was too hot. M and I walked back. Makati looked so different from where we came.

Sembreak Happiness According to The Beatles

2008-10-16T16:00:00.000+08:00

Last night I thought I was looking at hell while I stared at my dorm study table cluttered with yellow pads and photocopied sample exams in math, accounting and statistics. But about three hours ago, I was skipping and hopping and laughing and smilling and giggling like a pedophiliac-stalked child while I ran away from Math building. Oh yes, goodbye Math. I love you until I see my final grade.

I am actually thinking of getting a drink or a booze. Something that can make me sing OPM songs while spilling out my life dramas in distorted syllables. I want to watch Serbis tonight, in Film Institute, but all the people I know are broke. God, please give me rich friends. LOL.

I just feel happy that this hellish semester is done. Goodbye first semester! Die bad memories, die! [Note: I am reminded of a scene in Schindler's List where a German girl kept sreaming 'Goodbye Jews!' while she hurled mud at Jews being driven out of their lavish homes. It made me feel depressed for two hours.]

Right now I want to pack up and just take a bus back to Bicol. I need regression! I need to relive happy childhood memories and purge all the UP trauma. Drama.

I read Leya Sumbeling's post about her professors' quotable quotes. Here's my attempt at it:

BA 99.1

Mam Kho: Ako, I don't consider myself as magaling. When you look at my IQ, it's just a little above average. Masipag lang talaga ako. I tell you, wala sigurong tatalo saken sa pagiging masipag. [Kaya nga Summa cum Laude ka Mam eh. Lol. Labyu Mam!]

...at another session.

Mam Kho: 'Di ba class mahirap ang Stat101? Ako nahirapan ako. Do you know what I did? Bumili ako ng libro na ganito kakapal [gestures her finger, mga 5 inches siguro] tapos sinagutan ko siya nang isang buwan. Ayun , na-uno ko siya. [Shet. Ang hirap naman umuno, Mam.]

Yun lang. Yung iba puro na 'Class, you're so careless..' Err.

ECON 100.1

Prof. Monsod: [Discussing on the Millenium Development Goal on Poverty] If you are poor, it's entirely your fault!

Addendum: Sangkatutak na Putang ina pa.

ENG 30

T_T

ENV SCI 1

*ugh*

STATISTICS 101

Isang bonus question sa Exam namin, two months after bagsak ang halos 80% ng class:
'Give on lesson you learned in Statistics. Violent reactions will be entertained.'

Ako: I learned that kahit mamatay-matay ka kakaaral, hindi ibig sabihin 'nun na hindi ka babagsak.

Sa attendance sheet nang last day namin, kailangan namin magsagot ng tanong: 'Huling Hirit, sabihin na ang gustong sabihin saken. Walang bawal.'

Ako: mam, ayaw po kitang sisihin. Iniisip ko na lang na Stat is not for me. Lol. Bahala ka na mam. Siguro naman po you know what you're doing. *pinasa. tapos binawi ko uli at dinagdagan* PS, Mam, may retaining grade po pala kami. Maawa ka Mam ipasa mo po ako please!

MATH 100

cotangent...zzzz..continuous at when is f composed..zzz...integrate natural log of let u substitue..zzzzz... I love you Mam!

Bakit bigla na lang ako nag-Tagalog.

Ang stress ng Sem na ito. Kailangan ko ng *happiness*.

Poem #3: The End

2008-10-10T15:50:00.000+08:00

The End

Let me end this one.

Let me,

Close this with a prayer and a hush. Without hope and without forgiveness. Let me end this with no flicker in the eye. No throbbing on the chest. No expectations. No continuations. Let me end this one.

Let’s stop with the gazes in the dark. Let’s end the evenings spent in thoughts, caressing the sheets, whispering loneliness. Let me end the mornings spent thinking of possibilities, blurring my frustrations, rebuilding my hope. They smell of pain. I smell of hate.

Let me end this in this afternoon of rain. Let me end this with little bitterness. Little longing. Little desire beyond the drifting clouds. It’s our child’s play, it’s a charade. It’s my bet and my gamble. It’s your glory, your ambition. It’s your little box of conceit. But let me end this one.

Let me end this one because I want to go on. Please die with the seeds. Fall with the clouds. Burn with the scorned souls. Please dry up with the earth. Blow up with a child’s deceit. Leave. Die. Be forgotten.

And after that, we know nothing of each others’ secrets. Just let me end this one. Please.

Questions and Drama

2008-10-08T18:01:00.000+08:00

I was optimistic when I started this semester. I was smiling during long lines in enlistment, I was hopeful during queues, I was praying every night.

I tried to go home early every day, browsed through piles of readings, digested accounting entries, wrote debits and credits over yellow papers now crumpled and gone. I tried to be diligent and tried to work hard. I wove my own promises, smudged illusions, hoping that at the end of it all I would feel contented.

Right now I am questioning all the effort, I am shattering my own pretty picture of the power of optimism and positive thoughts. I am wailing, I am wallowing, I am trying to put up a screaming kind of drama and despair.

I am waiting for my parents to call. I want to tell them I am so afraid to look for my own path to a happy career. I want to tell them that I want to be obedient and to stay in here, twiddling calculators, posting entries, swimming in concepts about money, profit and corporate greed.

I want to be an obedient child. I want to see them retire in convenience right after I graduate or right after I pass the bar or whatever. God knows there is something missing. And I am feeling it now, months after I realized that cutting economics is more meaningful than listening to Solita Monsod dish out putang inas. There is something missing whenever I spend nights and days stuck on my accounting book, only to stare at red marks splattered on my test paper weeks after.

I hope this is a phase. Like what Leya said, perhaps I am still gaining speed, adjusting to this kind of discipline I never fancied way back when I was still a small child writing stories on worn out Advance notebooks. Perhaps this is the dilemma when you get scores as low as eighty per cent of you batch mates. Perhaps this is the feeling when you think you would have been better if you were doing the things you really love.

I told myself I can be multidisciplinary. I told myself to think about my family whenever I have doubts playing inside my head. I told myself it’s not an easy ride for everyone, that this is my one big trade-off in life.

I want to do the things I cannot do. As much as I want to feel happy and contented, I feel that something’s missing. Something bothers me. And it’s not the absence of a love life.

God knows I just want to be an obedient child. I love them enough to endure wallowing every day, and posting sad blog entries with the thought that it’s the best I can do to assure myself that the next day might be less dramatic and frustrating.

I just want to get through. And I am not suicidal. I just want to be an obedient son and an obedient brother.

On Killing Cats and 'Nagpapahabol'

2008-10-06T19:08:00.000+08:00

In Ipil Residence Hall, there lived a cat who was so irritatingly noisy, that the steroidal male residents decided to kill him or her or whatever. They bludgeoned him or her with a bat until he or she bled and died. And then they stuffed him or her in a garbage bag and dumped him or her somewhere. And the dormitory was silent again.

This is not a promotional blog post for PETA. This is me trying to reassert myself that there really is something disturbing about cats being killed because they're being cats. Because the way I heard this story from dormmate Richard, it sounded, err, so normal. So yes, killing cats is just...bad.

***

I'm supposed to write something about you. About my induced depression. But I guess it's just not worth it.

Maghi-Heroes na nga lang ako. Bwiset.

Bus Rides

2008-09-29T19:45:00.000+08:00

I really hate sleeping during bus rides. Or taxi rides. Or jeepney rides. Or any rides, for that matter, especially if it highlights the absence of any fun company. Or it smacks this kind of blank solitude on your face.

But I did just that tonight, in a sudden bout of irrational loneliness or unclassified melodrama. I took an SM Fairview bus that sped me through kilometers away from real home. And I found myself in the Shell Philcoa station, walking to where Jollibee's face glowed immaculately in the dark.

Something's wrong tonight. I think it's not about not qualifying in the quarterfinals. I'm perfectly fine with that since I hate Russia motions anyway. I feel it's something beyond losses or conflicting views on issue grasps. I think it's...hormonal. Irrational. Illogical. Exaggerated.

A friend told me I was overanalyzing things. Spicing them up with paranoia, self-pity, pessismism. Perhaps yes, the propensity to overanalyze looms, but I guess that freaking bus ride boiled it further into something as simple as an unshared bus seat and Colbie Caillat's voice over the earphones. And Colbie Caillat songs are like, depressing.

Maybe when I wake up things will sort of change. Like deliberate displacements. Brighter hues. Longer conversations. Company. Or the lack of it. Glances. Talks. Responses.

Maybe I just can't wait. Maybe I just choose to be emotional.

Or maybe I just hate lonely bus rides. And lonely walks. And Manila in the dark.

Poem 2: We Escape

2008-09-20T15:37:00.000+08:00

We escape in Thursday afternoons in scents of fire and milk. In sizzles of the oil, and the fried, and the fat that slither through the dough. We escape in little, gentle steps. In shy hushes, in gushes, in a little rush. With little pain and much life. With little love and much blindness.

We escape in Thursday afternoons with the sheets, with the grass. With the dust that fly away and the fading shimmer, or glitter, of a faraway sun. We stare at the sun, and we walk on the earth and it sticks on the feet. And we escape in Thursday afternoons again.

We escape in Thursday afternoons with little sin and much redemption. We escape in the mind, and in the soul. Dissolving the reality in hues, in fantasies, in colourful, hellish lies. We escape with much glimmer in the eye, much gloom in self-pity. Much ecstasy in an afternoon of living, and dying and giving birth again.

We escape with no love. We escape without a promise. We escape with the distances kept and with words broken. Swimming away in oceans. Flying in empty air. Digging the earth. Getting far and far away.

We escape with little faith. With little trust. But we escape again. We will escape in Thursday afternoons again.

Before I Do my Laundry

2008-09-20T13:04:00.000+08:00

I have my brown pants soaked in a tub of slimy detergent solution, trying to convince my inner self that the longer it is drenched, the easier it would be for me to scrub off the stains and the brackish smell.

I never thought this day would come, actually. The day when I have to wash my own clothes. With my own hands. With my very own efforts. Thankfully this week isn't too jam-packed as before, with org activities bumping against each other in a orgasmic chaos. That is why I am able to sit back and relax somehow as I imagine how Ariel Super Bleach aggressively dissolves the mud stains on my pants. I have to wear that brown thing tomorrow.

This was what happened yesterday: Frances agreed to cut my outstanding debt by a mere and pathetic 140 if I debated for her org's Election forum thingy with a Fag Gloria Macapagal Arroyo impersonation as the highlight. And with a Titus Tan grasping for some decent, extemporanous argument. Nostalgia: I voted for Titus Tan, and Jerrie Abella. They both lost and I hated UP elections from then on.

I even had to cut my Statistics class so I could get to NCPAG on time. But logistical horrors, it started an hour late. I hate late people, lol. Anyway the debate went on and I had a free afternoon snack which I badly needed, being broke and all. A few minutes after I had to skip adjudication only to find myself in CBA's fourth floor donning this artificial Tabak and scolding my 'son' because he had make up on his face and he happened to be gay.

LOL.

It turned out Mara conned me so she can ensure that I end up as Joker's father for our presentation in Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants' application process. LAter in the evening, we had to do our group presentations in Bahay ng Alumni. And I just can't erase my mental pictue of Brad and his tiyanak costume. I think it's still freaking me out up until now. Its just...funny and grotesque. Peace.

The highlight of this post however, is my usual parade of fury and world-hate.

I hate being an adjudication panelist. Not because I am a limelight grabber. I just hate being an adjudication panelist TWICE when in fact Excel has this thing called 'randomize' or whatever.

It started out with me sitting in Angelicum College's AVR, with much attraction to red things (LOL), and realizing that unlike my org mates, I had to sit in a panel of adjudicators. But no problem with that, really, since I am a positivist. I expected that I will sit alone as an adj for the next round because the organizers have a concept of 'variety' or diversity or what have you.

And so the first round ended with me playing like a mute psycho as the chair delivered his oral adj to those hormonal high school debaters. Blabla, and two hours after, with me getting agitated since I had to decide whether or not I have to go to this required UAAP game for my table tennis class, the organizers announced the match ups and the adjudication assignments.

Oh my gahd.

I was still a panelist. And I was with the same people [not that I HATE them]. And we still have the same chair.

Could it even do any good if I grabbed a microphone and screamed out: Variety is the spice of life?! That dormancy kills, idle hands are the devil's playground or whatever aphorism mankind has invented to convince the organizers to press that freaking randomize/shift/whatever button in Excel! Oh my God, I want to use my mouth and speak, not just my hands with a GTec Pen. I just...want to oral adj. But no, they were just too lazy to at least change that lone freaking column in their Excel document. I mean, honestly, we have the twin concept of dormancy and boredom. Grrrrr.

That is why much to my dismay, I had to loeave. Because one: I didn't see any point since I will be having the same experience anyway 2) because I had to watch that table tennis game 3) because I felt so irrationally annoyed with such a shallow reason (lol).

That meant I had to leave my prospets behind, with much anonymity. Lol. Good thing may JPES pa bukas, sa UA and P. Wahahaha.

This is just bad and depressing.

And I still have to do my laundry. So surreal. Laundry. Bad, bad laundry.

Poem 1: Things We Will Never Say

2008-09-18T04:32:00.000+08:00

Let’s talk about ideas, or imitations, or anything near truth. Something transcendental or something in between yearning and acquisition, something between a prayer and divine intervention.

Let’s talk about blurry dreams, concrete intentions, or reluctant murmurs of faith or steamy, slippery moans of sex. Something in between staring blankly at night and looking at an actual canvass of flesh. Something like kissing the air, or slapping the stars from afar. Something like smothering the nearest skin, or praying again, to a God, to a nearby heaven, to a dwindling faith.

Let’s talk about how you walk, how you talk, how you open your mouth, and how the words that come out of it flow in a thick, milky melody. Melodies of a dreary evening, or how the window filters out the pale streetlight nearby. Let’s talk about how you look like in the dark, when you’re not really there. When I try to picture you in that blank, starry landscape of concrete and mating fireflies.

And then let’s talk about me. How I dream. How I breathe. How I believe in a God, and her power, and her playfulness. How she weaves this world into a crazy, lunatic outburst of love, caffeine and empty barren nights. Let’s talk about gentle wind swishes at two in the morning. Let’s talk about smoke etched on the fog. Or stars melting beneath ugly, grey clouds.

Something like the distance between where you sleep, and where I think of you. Something like the tequila spilled on swirls of lemon juice. Or how the world tumbles away in a chaotic kaleidoscope of desire, desperation and the promise of another day.

Let’s talk about the things we cannot put into words. Let’s talk about the beauty in the hidden, or the scent of obscurity. Let’s talk about me looking at you from afar. Let’s talk about realities that could never be.

Let’s talk about life. About love. About flickering lights in a lonely evening. About why I’m awake. And why I am away.

And then let’s talk about the things we will never say.

How to Shave, How to Pray and How to Ruin Happiness

2008-09-07T19:39:00.000+08:00

I can't believe everybody's talking about the Cheerdance competition in Multiply. I can't believe TV Patrol's news report on the Cheerdance affair was that short and dumb. I can't believe everybody's this ecstatic and this affected about college girls dancing in skirts and college boys dancing in ugly, tight leotards. I can't believe ABS CBN news reporters are that bad.

I can't believe I'm saying these things in a delicate moment when eveybody wants to be so jumpy and happy and proud.

When I woke up today, my torso hurt so badly because I only had a blanket wrapped around me while I slept on the floor. My whey protein-overloaded brother kicked me out of the lone decent mattress in the house and it actually never bothered him that his brother of such minor age and such delicate emotion was sleeping on the freaking cold, hard, floor.

Flash forward to this day, I found myself sitting in UP chapel, thirty minutes after having dinner with my emotionally-corroded worst-HS-friend [lol], Katrina, fifty minutes after our taxi ride laden with stories about our seaman-friend Jayson, and approximately one and a half hour after my frustrated attempt at decently singing UP Naming Mahal in front of an ecstatic UP Pep Squad.

As I tried to block off Father Jojo's sermon from my involuntary cognitive powers, I kept thinking of why the hell I lined up for UAAP Cheerdance tickets in the first place. Only to find myself squeezed in the stairway with people pushing me like I wasn't even supposed to be there. Only to find myself so exhausted that the thought of the victory wasn't even sweet in any sense.

In Rodic's, thirty minutes before Father Jojo broke the bread and gulped the wine, Katkat and I were talking about why Jayson should not be roaming around in Europe, why we never attended his despidida party, and what had become of our lives when we were dumped in UP. Our conversations made me think again, think back, and ponder on the memories I had left in Tabaco. But I was too hungry for some dramatic responses to her drama queen-mode. It made me shiver to even blurt out ' I miss Jayson, too, you know. We should counsel our selves regularly so we will not be affected so much by this friendship longing.' Lol.

An hour before that I was squeezing my ass and scratching my brown corduroy trying to get decent seating on Araneta's stairway. People were walking by and they were smudging their shoe-dirt on my shirt. They should die, or at least, repent. Katkat, on the other hand, seemed to be so engrossed and ecstatic in screaming out UP cheers while I tried to convince myself that UP was not going to win because they had horrible skin-tone costumes.

That was the biggest bummer of the entire Cheerdance affair for me, that ugly, dull and basahan-looking costume that would have spelled disaster if it wasn't for the given fact that I like the color maroon. I take that back. UST was a bigger turn-off, blow-your-head-in-fury whatever.

UST spends too much money printing tarpaulins. Can't they just, like, hand out their coins to their Dominican fathers for some Divine Intervention?

Two hours after I told Katkat that I wanted to sing UP Naming Mahal with passion, I found myself oily-faced and puffy-eyed in SM North Edsa, looking for my siblings to ask for some moolah. I told them I wanted to color my hair brown because I think that will make me look more Korean. They told me they were poor and that our eldest brother was my one and only chance to get that hot, brown hair. I ended up looking for him at National book store only to find out that he already went home. Talk about sibling conspiracy.

So I ended up buying this Gillette Double Razor Shave at Watson's, because it came free with 42 grams of Mentos Citrus Mix. And an hour after that I was so excited to shave for the fifth time in my life, simply because my new shaving razor whatever was colored orange.

Who Loves Barney

2008-09-06T20:35:00.000+08:00

I was indoctrinated by Barney tonight. And by Barney I mean, that freak-of-nature, genetically-modified pedophiliac purple dinosaur.

I was inside my brother-in-law's car, along with my siblings and drowsy nieces when the flat LCD panel up front started playing this Barney episode where this old guy was singing and dancing to the tune of a nursery rhyme,

Oh my God. Kill me.

It makes me wonder, why on Earth, considering loads of marketing spiels for developing children, my second oldest niece actually loves Barney. It makes me fear what Barney can possibly do to her psychology. Will Barney make her feel okay that un-purple things can actually become purple and that we should just dismiss this diparity and sing " I love you...you love me...we're a happy family..." with them? This is so alarming that I cannot even sit still as I type tonight.

Another realization for tonight: Barney actually transforms from and to a stuffed toy at will.

Jeez, talk about child-stalking, pedophilia and voyeurism. Kill Barney!

I feel extremely happy today for the mere fact that I had piles of sashimi and loads of Italian salad splattered on a single platter. It was my brother-in-law's [my second oldest sister's husband] 35th birthday, and I had to skip last tryout rounds in DebSoc to get to Manila Pavilion on time.

Realization Number 3: Riding a taxi from UP Diliman to UN Avenue wasn't really that boring [and expensive].

We ate in this really swanky resto inside Manila Pav, Four Seasons. What made the resto unique was that: they had light bulbs on the floor, as in light-emitting lightbulbs. Obviously. And the food was just, everywhere. It made me so happy that memories of my NDC tryouts were suddenly zapped out [until this moment when I actually remembered them].

And I don't want to talk about the NDC tryouts. I'm against negative thoughts. LOL.

I need to sleep already. No to getting drunk, again.

SEX. Somebody told me this is an effective title.

2008-08-31T20:42:00.000+08:00

My greatest realization for the day came from my Accounting textbook.

Yes, that is odd, because Kieso-Kimmel-Weygandt have generally been so indifferent and unemotional ever since the First Edition [which of course, I have never read].

I realized that the reason why employees are required to take regular vacations is that the companies want them to temporarily vacate their duties so they can audit and probe for irregularities and dsicrepancies in their accounting records.

Isn't that so grim? And all the while I thought companies dish out vacation promos because they're so concerned about their employees' serotonin or endorphin levels. Because they want them to live happy or to live healthy or to live a sunshiny, let's-run-along-the-shore kind of life.

But no, companies do this to safeguard their money. But what the hell, I'm not complaining, since my third exam grade will depend highly on this premise: Jeez, dude, it's all for the money.

I think that's poetic, in a certain Bill Gates-ish sense. Well, Bill and Melinda are globe-trotting feeding poor Indian families nowadays. So let us not be too myopic and perceive Business Ad as a money-centric college, since ultimately, the discipline spurns philanthropy and mega blockbuster global-level charity. That sounds fun.

Anyhoo, much to my dismay, I realized none of my coapps have posted some dramaturgical emo blog posts lately, which didn't help at all in replenishing me from my half-day quest for a decent long-sleeves and slacks.

But no, I do not feel so creative and mushy tonight since all the readings have flushed out my inclination to the dramatic. All I can say is that I really wanted to cry but I couldn't, since the two dudes beside me were, like, wallowing, I didn't want to sob low-profile just to be overpowered by them [and it turned out, they were Mems channeling Marian Rivera-Marimar]. But I really felt happy and tired and overwhelmed that I'm in DebSoc already, just like what that bitch, Raymund Vittorio said, " I can't believe org mates na tayo!" And I am not so sure if that's a heartwarming statement.

Gahd I do not want to replay all the details since it has this kind of emotional toil, but not in a bad way. It's just too overhwhelming to be captured by a blogpost, especially if the blog post was done minutes after reading about Internal control and how to safeguard money. And I still have more pages to finish by tonight.

I know it's odd studying on a Sunday evening. But I have to load up on my Acad life since the past few weeks had seen me transforming completely into an org person, wearing Fag Rambutan costume or Captain Barbel spinoffs. The past few weeks had been JPIA-DebSoc mode, and I feel so guilty that I took this mini-oath that I will be Acad mode again. And this I did while inside the Taxi going home, and I was still on my pajamas that time, much to the shock of my sister who was scandalized by her brother still on his pajamas at 3 in the afternoon.

Tomorrow night I will be in The Peninsula Manila eating five-star food [hopefully]. The eating part makes me more excited than the awarding part where I have to go up the stage with my sister to get my third prize and my 3 000 pesos. I asked my father if he would be kind enough to add some extra cash so I can finally buy an iPod after several failed attempts at self-support. I still haven't gotten his answer, I hope it's a yes, or else, I have to spend my prize to pay my utangs. Jeez, I badly need an iPod to drown out my Stat prof's irritating voice. I take that back.

When I look at my left, my accounting book stares back at me with all the guilt-inducing aura. Add to that the sloppy pancit canton beside it, overcooked because I was looking for Eureka 3's first episode over piratebay.org. I think my conscience is deliberately altering my schedule deviations. It's telling me to stop typing like, like. Right. Now.

No.

Right now.

A Splurt of Thought

2008-08-27T20:28:00.000+08:00

Things I Should Be Doing Today:

1) Check the entries for this year's Sigaw staffers.

I was sending this 'Indaaaay' joke to different group lists on my phone when I saw the word 'Sigaw', in distinct pixels. In all urgency, I was reminded of the entries I have to check for Kalay's newest batch of writers and hopefully, cam whores. So in my pajamas and in my favorite orange sweater, I had to walk from Ipil to Kalay, at 11 PM just to get the brown envelope from Kuya Mike.

Just when I was about to come back to Ipil and sit my ass off memorizing constitutions, I dropped by at Yakal to tell Leya probable arguments for this debate about English language dominance thingy. I also saw the visit as an excellent opportunity to beg for some coffee sachets, 3-in-1. However, instead of a brief visit, I found myself sharing our Sigaw memories with Leya and Dhadi, recounting how inefficient and yet how fun we were back when held quasi-writer positions in Kalay. May the next staffers achieve this odd legacy of ours.

2) Memorize Deb Soc Constitution.

Gahd I feel terribly nervous just by staring at Deb Soc's constitution. Is it me or is it just plain long? However, I somehow feel that memorizing Member names are more convenient than brain-imprinting the constitution itself. At least for the night, but here I am blogging about what I should even do.

I write terribly tonight.

3) Make my Bading na Rambutan costume.

Actually my Captain Barbel costume is still on scratch, and it is still lingering within my neurons. I wonder how the hell I will pull it off later during the day. Must cut a class, LOL.

Beyond that, I must start preparing for my bading na rambutan costume! God give me inspiration...and creativity.

4) Stop blogging.

I should do this one right now.

On Blasphemy, DebSoc, Drama and Orgs

2008-08-24T16:58:00.000+08:00

I feel so evil and blasphempous today. Idle seconds would often make me contemplate on why I wished the presiding priest would just shut up and walk away during the 5 PM mass in UP Chapel. I really hated his sermon, his litany or whatever theological term they had for that part where the priest just blabbers about his Bible interpretation. I mean, honestly, why the hell should I listen to irrationality.

The thing is, okay fine, I'm in church and I'm supposed to listen. But I can only go up to the extent of respecting whatever Mr.Priest says, but not up to the point of blind belief. Because that's just, irrationally dumb. I mean, he goes on establishing why we should put faith in the Catholic Church, and how did he do that? He blabbered about a mini-comparative jeez between Christianity, Buddhism and Islam, that Buddha is like this and Crhist is like that blahblahblah. And I was flabbergasted in utter disbelief, contemplating on doing a chin-up walkout to send a message that bigotry was obviously impending. Mr. Priest is just, incredible.

Alistair Zosa told me I was such a hypocrite for even going to mass while living this kind of life, lol. Well for one I do not know how to deny that, but the thing is I go to the Church not for some theological whatever, enlightenment-slash-redemption-slash-salvation promo, I go there to partake in such a gathering of faith, to partkae in such solidification of human hope and universal positive thoughts. People who have bothered knowing me know how much of a positive thoughts-freak I am, and so there, I see Sunday masses as conducive settings to modify immediate positive energies, not to listen to religious comparativists!

-----

My application days for UP Debate Society are over. And now I find myself bumming around without any tambay debates anymore, or tambay adj or late dinners at Jollibee Philcoa.

When I entered DebSoc as, technically, a fill-in for Barbara's slot, I thought mere effort can get me past the challenges, since I love to debate anyway. But as weeks passed and as days ended with me spending nights and dusks at Econ meeting quotas, debating or slacking around, I felt...happy. LOL.

And in the end it wasn't anymore about how much effort I gave or I could still give, in the end it was about the people I have met, the lessons I have learned, the worries I learned to quash, the links I had forged, the nights, the dinners, the debates, the fun.

Whatever happens, I really enjoyed the DebSoc application, and for all the drama, here it goes:

RILEY- what's all the drama for? We always see each other around. Anyway, thanks for tagging me along in DebSoc and for somehow eliminating the hesitations. And God help us for all the bad things we said about people, LOL.

BEA and JACQUES- I feel somehow happy for you two. May 'somehow' pa talaga. Haha. I mean, we often debated against each other during many rounds, or we ALWAYS debate toegether throughout the application. And in my own sense and perception of growth, I saw how much you exerted a lot in improving your selves. I may not say it and my words may often contradict it, but it made me happy that you reached the JDC finals. Drama.

To the POLITICAL SCIENCE freshies [Migs, Nica, Pearl, Manangu, Trixia, Ayz]- I agree with Riley, really good at such an age. I do hope you can utilize the social scientific nature of your course to become better debaters. I love Pol Sci, you know. Haha. Special thanks to Migs sa panlilibre ng Cereal Chillers, for that, I hope you become the next PIDC champion.

To SIAPNO, SOLIS, AMAN, MIKEE, LAURA, TINA, KATE, FRANZ, KAT, JOY- debating with all of you was really fun.Good luck to all of us!

To ZOSSSA- Thanks for the patience, anyway, I've said it all na rin sayo.

To NORMAN- Hindi mo pa ako nililibre. At sikreto lang natin yung Japanese thing. Haha.

To all the MEMS na sinabihan ko ng masasamang bagay- Salamat! =)

Now I can always go home to Ipil by 6PM.

[Realization: HELL WEEK na pala ng JPIA this week. Positive thoughts.]

Because These Nights are Barren and Long

2008-08-18T16:41:00.000+08:00

I watched Harrison Ford in his youth, swinging through vines, dodging arrows laden with Curacao poisons. My sister told me, though, that I should be more careful now with Harrison Ford's face, I should not scratch him, I should not lose him somewhere or pass him around like a commodity.

And I just nodded as I looked at the old man, slipped him inside my pocket, and, later in the day, all I could ever do was to bite through custard cakes as I watch him digging for the Ark of the Covenant.

Yesterday when my younger niece had the itch for some lactum ingestion, we cut our sibling walk short and sped through Mindanao Avenue in hushed engine puffs as the kids sang songs and laughed. And when we reached their home I browsed through racks of DVDs, examining each one with careful flipping and prying, expecting to see Gossip Girl's second season or the latest in the ever unheard TV show, Eureka.

But I found this Indiana Jones Trilogy set, in cold glossy metal case, Harrison Ford's youthful faced splashed over beneath prominen thumb marks. If I didn't watch the 'Crystal Skull', I would never have bothered grabbing the thing, after overcharging my sister's videocam, leaving the screen yellowish and pale, only to find out later that she and her husband quarrelled over such a petty thing. Petty things spurned from my carelessness, petty things that splurted out from the fact that oftentimes, I just don't give a damn about things.

So at day's end I was able to watch one movie, mortified of such horror that one film was more than two hours, even more infuriated because I can't have this Monday as a free day, I have to study for Math and Accounting if I want to make my mother and father retire with convenience.
It then flashed upon me one evening's conversation with my father, from his nostalgic spree in Tabaco, in our house where all eight of us grew up, where I learned to ride a bike, where he always goes back to at late evenings, drunk and near dozing off.

He told me that it will make him and Mama really happy if I graduate Summa cum Laude.

I told him being drunk and being such a providing father didn't give him any excuse to ask from me such impossible things.

He laughed and said it's possible, if only I work hard.

And I didn't bother to say anything again, I just looked at jeepneys speeding through, listened to him laughing again, and mumbled something about me always disliking it whenever he calls all of us drunk and disoriented.

Of course it wasn't my father. It was him and alcohol, it was him and reality, and the lack of obstruction for truth to flow out.

And in this evening I look back at hushed days, suppressed in my own sense of remembering, when my eldest brother called me up telling me how disappointed my father was when he learned I was taking subjects so I can shift to Philosophy. He told me my father can never tell me bluntly what he wanted me to be.

So here I am, borrowing portable DSL connections, slapping the keyboards, glancing at my Math notes at my left side, trying to picture out what becomes of these seconds as the night breezes through. Here I am pouring myself into words, squinting my eyes from the brightness of the fluorescent bulb, unmoved my crickets humming and the promise of what is yet to come.

Here I am looking back, juggling thoughts, repainting memories. Not because I am nostalgic and not because the hours and minutes tickle me to remember.

But because the night seems so barren and long, and the weeks and years seem to dance away too slowly, too silently.

Wall-E, Anti-Emo and Economics is Love Whatevers

2008-08-17T20:14:00.000+08:00

How to Talk About this Day, and the Days Before

Today I watched 'Wall-E' with my siblings and with my bratty 4-year old niece who thinks Wall-E is an ugly, rusty robot. I have been hearing a lot about Wall-E being so tear-jerky and all, and I felt deceived as I walked out of the theater with popcorn stains on my shirt, how the hell can a movie about two near-copulation robots become tear-jerky?

On that supposed to be primary issue that is 'Is Wall-E a good movie? I tell you: yes, because it's not a waste of money, and to a certain extent it washed away my stress from cramming and caffeine overdosing during Ipil's cricket-laden nights. Wall-E was good because it made me think when in fact I should have been slouching and chewing popcorn. It was good because it was something new and it was about robot love. Thank God for the concept of neo-creativity.

BUT, channelling my sense of world hate and misanthropy, let me answer: Is Wall-E freaking bad? I say with a resounding tone as concretized by the exclamation mark: YES! Simply for the fact that my niece kept slapping me during the earlier parts of the movie because she just doesn't dig the philosophical undertones of the Earth turning into a trash bin! Honestly Pixar, how can you make children contemplate about world causes? By telling them to burn their Barbie dolls because Mattel oppresses its laborers? By telling them a waste disposal robot will be crushed to death because his girlfriend took home a plant?

Still, the verdict boils down into Wall-E being a really good movie, for the fact that I simply love futuristic themes and settings and for the fact that I still cannot escape my Stat exam hangover. So any promise of fun will do.

Besides, my niece later on realized that robot films by Pixar aren't really that bad, since, to my surprise, she got the point about earth-abandonment, futuristic human habitats, sustainability [lol] and most important of all, love. Naks, mana kay Uncle.

***
I just finished my first round of exams for my own horribly stressful exams week(s). First was on Environmental Science which was just a group quiz. Jeez, I ditched my Pi Sigma debate for a group quiz? Anyway, later on, in some screams for joy effect courtesy of Shiela and Jeremiah, we found out our group got the highest score. And then due to the really dehumanizing time intervals between exams, I had to cram myself to study for Statistics.

This meant again, due to my poor sense of time and schedule, ditching Deb Soc required tambay debates just to convince myself that Stat is so important in my plain, unassuming existence. And the evil part in here is realizing that my Stat prof has fantasies of being 'elevated' into the terror prof status, as she took exam problems from a Stat major subject. Dyosko naman Mam, kung bad trip ka kasi hindi ka pa nagswesweldo, wag mo idaan sa exam. Lol, tagalog.

The best part of this week will then be, of course, my new favorite subject: Econ 100.1! Yey!

I don't know, but I feel so lucky that with only about 12 hours worth of studying, I was able to actually feign a sense of confidence throughout my answering. Prior to that I had to coerce Brad, EnvSci classmate-slash-BAA majormate-slash-dorm kapitbahay, into teaching me the Math parts of the chapters since those were the parts Monsod was blabbering about when I was always tardy for class, absent or when I simply cut classes to go somewhere less Econ-ish. So yey, I somehow think the caffeine overdoses had at least prevented me from panicking and from feeling that usual after-stress 'ang tanga tanga ko' effect.

I Love You Economics! I love you na rin Monsod, lol.

Basically, this week was stressful, but since Wall-E and mall skip-and-hopping had neutralized all my potential whinings, I surprisingly end this post in a non-complaining, non-hateful mood.

And all the unnecessary emo parts have been translated into pure love, pure bliss, pure compassion and pure happiness. LOL ulit.

Delusional Post

2008-08-16T09:38:00.000+08:00

I am writing this post in the absence of a sensible thought, I write in a meager effort to reassure myself that when this hell of a week [actually, two weeks] ends, I can blog again without feeling so bad that I ditched my scheduled studying hours just so I can log in at Multiply. I love you DSL, we'll meet again after I make sure my future remains bright and promising. Bye bye.

Let's Pretend 'The Mummy 3' Never Existed

2008-08-10T20:03:00.000+08:00

Fermina is frozen on the TV screen, her hair stiff, her lips, brownish red.

I paused the DVD player for a while, right after I discovered that Bayan DSL has finally connected after an eternity of hushed curses and false divine interventions. Love in the Time of Cholera is gripping me, it even made me grab a glass of cold coffee so I won't suddenly doze off. It amazes me, though, they always copulate in this movie. And breast exposures are so everywhere, like, PET boys in UP Diliman.

Earlier this day, before I actually stumbled upon 'Love in the Time of Cholera' on the DVD rack, I watched The Mummy 3 with my sisters. Each of us was supposed to pay for our own tickets, but I whined, I feel so broke and poor, and thank God I had gotten away with paying the 120 or so, thanks to my poverty drama.

I love The Mummy series, I swear to the heavens that the first pirated DVD I bought was 'The Mummy Returns' where Rachel Weisz was transformed into the Egyptian princess that she once was in a previous lifetime. There was even this Egyptian word stuck into my head, thanks to its strategic utterance in between pirated movie glitches, 'Kara-kara' which meant 'face'. Jeez, I really love The Mummy series.

I don't know why, but at the end of the movie, the only thing I was thankful for were the Yetis and my barbecue popcorn. Something just felt missing, and no, it's not just Rachel Weisz. Mummy 3 just felt, hollow and empty. Screw whoever shamed the series. But don't worry Brendan Frasier, et al, I will forget that the Mummy 3 ever existed. Kunwari 1 and 2 lang so I will live my life with happy film memories.

Today I changed my 2-year old glasses. I complained to my father and to my eldest brother and to my sister that my eyeglasses were just too inconvenient. Why is that? Because the left lens would just pop up at any random second. Imagine that. Thank God I was able to call my father, who is now in Albay watching over our house's repair, and I was able to convince him that my visual health and my comfort were in jeopardy due to my grimy eyeglasses. So yey me, I now have a new pair which looks almost the same as the old one, only that it doesn't have molds creeping at the joints. And the lens do not just pop out as if they have their own will to actually pop out suddenly.

I do not have any profound introspection whatevers today. I felt that reducing thinking time by dozing off decreases the tendency to whine about the irony of life. However, this also leads to back pains if you sleep sideways and if you watch 'The Devil Wears Prada' with your back facing the TV as you browse Multiply. I just feel blank and un-deep, to the point of dumb superficiality, which somehow is good.

Actually, I have deep thoughts today, while I was riding the traysikab on the way home from SM North. But I lost it somewhere due to 'Cholera's' overflowing breast exposures and due to my frustrations on why The Mummy was no longer set in Egypt.

I feel so full, sad, excited and sleepy. And I also think 'Wanted's' comic version is just too...disturbing.

Ultradepressionism

2008-08-09T15:11:00.000+08:00

I walked out of School of Economics today, not because I am such a moody creature of God, or not because I'm full of insecurities or so filled up with raging hormones and bad serotonin levels. I walked out because I could not stand the irregularity of it all, I could not stand how my life, how my days have been distorted by my messed up short-term priorities and schedule. I walked out because I couldn't find what I really want, and what the bases of my wants are. I walked out because I do not know.

But the issue in here is not me walking out with my Red Adidas back hanging by a strap. the issue here are my mood swings, my silence spells, my kept in, unreleased anger on petty things and my lapses in simple reason, my deviance from dummy logic. What do I want now? What do I want for this week, for next month, the month after? I do not feel like there is a concrete line where I could tread on, jump around, giggle in all the temporal and emotional security. I feel floating, looking around and essentially purposeless in my bigtime charade.

Well yeah, I do feel mediocre, like what I have been blabbering in my blog. But it's not that big, I say that everyday, every minute if I wanted to, not because I feel absolutely mediocre [as if mediocre is not founded upon relative notions], I say that because I don't know where I want to fix myself, or root myself.

I swear to God, maga-Acad Mode na ako. Slap me if I do not do so, cut my throat if I eat at Jollibee again or whatever until 11, as if I do not have prob sets waiting for me.

I am hating how I am handling my life lately. I am hating how I sleep suddenly at ngiht with my books left open at the study, with my fluorescent lamp glaring all throughout the night as I snore and dream of dreamable things. I am hating how things are changing, how things are flying, how life is rearranging itself, or rather, the pace by which it does.

No, let me take that back, I love it how things are veering away from boring dormancy. But if only the world could wait for me so I could breathe, pause for a while, and confidently point at what I want to do, I wouldn't have walked out because of accumulated pissed offness, I would have been changing clothes and getting a Cab to take me to BK Timog.

But no, I feel tired and disoriented, I feel confused with where I 'm going but I feel like I'm compelled to stay put.

I think I could get through this, though. I mean this is me and my irrational stress releases. It's just that, I am so disappointed with how I am handling time lately. Please God help me out with my schedule issues, give me a spotlight or a lightning bolt so I may know what I should do and what I shouldn't bother with. Please Please Please.

By the way, I just won a Palanca award. Weehee.

Sunshiny Post

2008-08-03T11:02:00.000+08:00

For the longest time, I will be making a light, happy post! Hooray!

Over YM, a friend told me to look at the bright side of life, which is so darn theoretical that it didn't really move me at all. It's just that, I miss the optimistic me, the meditating, positive thinking me that I lost somewhere along my acad-OCness journey. And so here I am, contemplating on braving through the rain to watch Mummy and buy pants and polo shirt afterwards or on just staying put at home watching Supernatural [and blogging].

I can still remember the ranting me, complaining on how pimple-inducing my daily stress has become. In fact, I have been getting pimples everyday that I actually began not to care at all, like a splurt of realization that pimples are natural occurences of the universe, not a pubertal punishment of shame and ridicule. Anyway, there, and so again, over YM, I chatted with a high school friend who's now in her 4th year in UP Imed, and I whined about how busy my life has been, and when she told her side of the story, I realized, I whine more that I get stressed. Which is a bad thing.

Right now I am waiting for my niece who is supposed to be here today, playing teacups or whatever or making me run after her all over Trinoma's pathways. I wonder if she'll be able to come since the rain is getting bitchier every second. I want to watch supernatural since there is still daylight, I want to study about STFAP for my Pi Sigma debate, I want to study Economics because I am always late in lecture class, I want to watch Mummy, I want to watch a Very Special Love. I want a lot but I have little time, and all I could do is to blog about that. How efficient is that, ladies and gentlemen.

I think I need to do something revolutionary in my life, like, Che Guevarra-ish. Although the prospect of getting your face stamped on 150 or so tshirts is just darn overexposure!

Things I should do but I am not doing because I am a lazy ass:

1) Watch a 'A Very Special Love' with someone with the same emotional wavelength as I have, Katkat, where are you?!

2) Watch The Mummy TOmb of the Dragon Whatever with someone, with anyone actually! I miss this series!

3) Study about the benefits crap of STFAP and pretend that I like it even if I freaking pay 20 000 pesos for my tuition, all for our Pi Sig debate on Tuesday

4) Finish watching Supernatural Season 1 in broad daylight

5) Study Econ because nothing's getting retained in my brain about capital jizzes, crapola, but hey, I try to love Economics

6) Finish all accounting problem sets, God, make me diligent PLEASE

7) Prepare a time-table on how I can get to JPIA App Outing tomorrow on TIME

8) Consume my 5 day Unlitext benefits

9) Go to Trinoma and buy clothes on sale

10) Go back to Ipil since my siblings are hibernating in the bad weather

I need sunshine. Metro Manila beneath dark clouds looks freaky.

What the Hell

2008-08-02T17:18:00.000+08:00

Something rippled through my routine-like life. And it actually made me stop often while walking to class, thinking about what went wrong and what could go worse. Something has been making me think, making me stain my grammar with unforgivable errors, making me stay up late in Ipil's veranda listening to Jason Mraz and Beatles revivals.

Ever since June I had a schedule. During weekends I'm at home, in Pagasa, net surfing, browsing through multiply, blogging, flirting and what have you [DebSoc ikaw ba yan?]. I go back to Ipil on Mondays, study all day, hear mass at Holy Sacrifice exactly at 6, then eat Bicol Express at Rodic's right after. It's a simple weekend time-table, and for the rest of the week, all I have to do is to make sure I don't go to class late [which I often do], and study until 2 AM, at the minimum.

But lately, I have been incurring absences. Well, it's just PE. But being absent is, well, just not me. Blame me then, if I got only 11 balls instead of the 20 passing score in the backhand-forehand practicals, because I haven't been attending table tennis for the last meetings. Something's wrong, whenever I find myself sitting at the Ipil azotea, staring at School of Stat right across the street, thinking about what will happen to me for the next 10 years of my slightly dysfunctional life.

Something's wrong lately, something that makes me think at every random second, while I take notes in Math, while I tap the buttons in Accounting, while I force myself not to sleep in Statistics class. Something's wrong because I can no longer breeze through my 99.1 homeworks without a sign of laziness, now I would often stop, stare at the black ants crawling at the table, wondering why the hell there are so many of them feeding on my Skyflakes.

But oftentimes, I do not think there is really something wrong. No, I do not feel any sense of err, or any sense of oops or whatever, while I try to drag my worn out Havs near computer center because I am horribly late for Math. I do not feel any sense of wrongness whenever I rush to SC for my raspberry ice cream, after Stat class, thinking it will flush away my short-term depression. Nothing's really wrong, there is just something missing in this routine of a life.

I do not know if I have the right to feel like this, like I have been deprived, like I have been so wronged or so shamed. I just feel like I have done so much, things I am not proud of, to be in this place, in this time, in fact I have done so much, that I do not deserve to be slapped again with the things that made me stay up late at night when I was 15, trying to peek into a larger world beyond mine.

Of course this is murky, and I submit myself to whatever wrongness of interpretation my emoness might stir up. I hope my depression people can actually understand what I am blabbering about. I just want to curse, like putang ina, or fuck if it doesn't get censored here, punyeta, simply for the fact that my life isn't the way I want it to be just because some people bitch around like hell.

I used to like my life, but I wanted more. And right now, I am slapping myself because I should have kept it the way it was, and I should have never allowed people to come into the picture.

But still, the drama of life goes on.

Because Stupidity is Inherent to Man

2008-07-24T10:49:00.000+08:00

I had a blog post inside my head. I had lines for introduction, the body, the dramatic climax, and I had an ending full of flare. It was a whining, wallowing imaginary post full of what-could-have beens, pseudo-emoness and all my usual crap. But now, as I sit inside Greenshop with two seatmates peeking at how I translate my life drama into pixelated words, I could not even remember a freaking line.

It's just that, I feel so mediocre nowadays. Of course I always have alibis for stuffs I hate. Today I got five mistakes for an accounting quiz, all because I am too stupid to distinguish a loss from a revenue and 520 from a freaking 250. And then I would say I'm careless to augment that glaring fact that I am borderline-stupid, isolated case or not. But at the end of the day, I still have five mistakes, I still wallow, I still blog in depression. I was actually telling myself, in an effort to self-counsel my troubles, that this early, I should think of ways to comfort myself, or to pacify myself whenever I get not-so nice scores or lower than the mean results. I told myself that my provincial public high school days of glorious perfect exams and fruitful OCness are over. After all, it was not my fault if I went through my elementray and secondary schooling in the outskirts where majority of the teens are more bothered by neighbor romances that periodic exam spooks. And it's not my fault if I am in a university full of people who want to outshine and outdo each other in their bouts of self-fulfillment, quest for societal and economic position and all that glittering crapola.

But still I sit here, mouth shut, lips pursed, my fingers, relentless in slapping the buttons. I just want to concretize what I feel today, I just want to get some pseudo or quasi or shallow, weightless reassurance that everything I feel now is gibberish, pathetic, shallow. I know that mistakes do not define you stupidity, because of the mere fact that they are easily corrected in the long run. I know those stuffs, theoretically. And I hate myself for whining right now when in fact I damn know I shouldn't. It just feels odd, to see this day as a disconnect, detached from the length of my lifeplans.

It's so stupid to see this day as merely the day when I had 5 mistakes in a quiz, and 7 in the quiz before. When in fact this day is merely a speck of dust in my life molded by stupidity and redemption, shame and glory, mistakes and forgiving. I know where you err is where you will learn. And I know that the best way for me to get rid of these stupid thoughts is to slap myself, pay Ate clerk, and walk back to Econ for my discussion class. But. Shut up, me.

How to Breathe

2008-07-20T20:29:00.000+08:00

About ten hours ago, I was belting out Josh Groban's 'Close to Where You Are' in front of a congested School of Economics while Pantranco and Ikot jeeps what-the-fuck-ly pass by. Perhaps they were wondering what the hell was my problem, singing extremely depressing songs in a gloomy July afternoon. If only I could tell them that what they should wonder about is why the hell people are lining up outside School of Economics in the day when our Almighty God the Father took a rest from his week-long exhaustion as the supreme being of this universe!

Well, I am not a fan of Christianism, but during moments of despair and exhaustion, I tend to summon flashy, dandy Roman Catholic-ish notions so as to emphasize my very bad mood. And so there, School of Economics was 42 minutes late in administering our first exam for the semester, it's as if UP students have totally abandoned the concept of God and converted their Sabbath's into OCness day. Oh weeeell.

Minutes after the exam was finished, I found myself with Kalay batch mates, joining their despair as we try to convince our selves that there is actually hope even if you're sure that you just shaded for the wrong answer. But just like what Kenneth said, 'wag niyo na nga isipin yan! madedepress lang kayo!' Is it me or is depression starting to become a synonym for a bad mood swing?

And so there. After a week of continuous bouts of introspection, self-psychological therapy, studying and summoning spiritual concepts of a Supreme Being for academic assistance, my first barrage of harsh examinations is over. And I am culminating it not with Dark Knight or a Tokyo Tokyo tummy spree or whatever, I'm culminating it with a freaking, whining blog post! How bad is that.

Off-topic: Miss Universe is airing on the tube. Riyo Mori looks Lucy Liu-ish, Asian porn-ish hot. LOL. And, I realized that Miss USA did fall/trip or whatever. I thought it was just some metaphor made by anti-US radicals, like 'Ooh Miss USA fell, ergo the USA is doomed to hell for its greedy capitalistic global maneuvers!'

Going back. Wait. Miss Venezuela is crying. What for? Because she won Miss Universe. Congratulations to her for continuing to consciously imbibe into universal consciousness the biased and stereotyped image of the female species. Anyhoo, yeah, so I was watching PDA Children edition or whatever and I realized: in the near future, the profitability of singing contests will spurn spontaneous genetic evolutions in the Filipino race, such that our future generations will be better singers. MBB majors will call this, er, evolution. But Econ people will call this 'economic survival'.

In simple terms, give these children their childhood! Or am I just bitter because during their age, the closest thing to singing that I did was reciting 'All Things Bright and Beautiful' in sing-song. Whatever.

I can't think of a good ending.

Not a Serious Blog Entry

2008-07-17T14:40:00.000+08:00

During days like this one, I am reminded of my high school's system for administering the haggard, unethical periodic examinations. We do it every other day, 4 subjects per day plus some squeezed up random time slot for the science electives. They don't care if you're all drugged up or near insanity for memorizing, no, not studying, but memorizing the stuffs they have been blabbering about like hell. You just take the exam, and may the good Lord pity your mental limitations. And then they tell you they only record your grades, you are the one who makes it.

Whatever.

I have been taking exams left and right for four days now, and I feel so harassed and oppressed and violated and all the other pity-inducing feelings. Sometimes, when I'd suddenly go blank from all the studying, I would get reminded of my old high school self and start wallowing again, because those were the times when you could smell how rotten the path public education is taking. Although now I am at least assured that what I am studying about is actually worth the time, the effort and the drama, I still feel a bit giddy and at the same time, infuriated, that I find myself in this situation.

Giddy because I feel so college and all. Infuriated because I no longer feel that smart anymore. LOL and sigh.

Seriously, i do not know how to end this blog post. I just found some free minutes and started typing, and now I realized I just wanted to wallow about my self-perceived stress. Pretending that there is actually something serious happening with my boring, exam-laden existence.

Emo Post: Philosophizing Depression

2008-07-13T13:07:00.000+08:00

Today I feel dramatically, larger-than-life-ly depressed, mala-Hancock.

I never thought an accounting exam can push me to reassess what I am doing with my life. See, accounting is actually deep. No, I'm not shifting out again, and I really intend to stay and graduate, for family obligations' sake. Besides, I have thought about this and told myself that when things look dim and not sopleasant, I should just shut up, blog, and stay put.

It's just that, when I shifted disciplines, away from the social sciences, I had this unspoken pact that I should study as much as I could. I told myself that a time well-spent equals a time burying my nose in pages and pages of academic jizz. This delusion even bubbled up with Mam Kho's constant proddings and her tales from the Summa Cum Laude's megabrain. She would tell us that in accounting you should study and study and study and all that OC-ness, that success spells out you-in-the-study-table-forever. And so I believed her, and I studied, and studied, and all. I have been dedicating the past few days in what this new discipline has been demanding from me. And I am not complaining, I really am beginning to love this kind of field.

But my error is that: I am following Ma'am Kho's advice. And the bigger problem is that, Jesus Christ, she's BAA Summa cum Laude material, and I am the boy who writes short stories when he's depressed, paints with watercolors when he's happy and watches pirated DVDs when he feels he doesn't have a purpose in life. I realized, I have been trying so hard in emulating the very beautiful and attractive [haha, labs ko pa rin si Mam] Ma'am Kho, without counting the fact that we are completely different, and breathing with the illusion that I can be like her, by compensating my natural lackings with much effort.

I chose not to join Debate Society because I want to focus on my studies. I have postponed affiliating myself with political parties because I didn't want distractions. I have realigned my plans back in first year to fit in this new world. Sometimes I would think I have done the right things, but oftentimes, I would think that I would have done better. This this is not wrong, what is erroneous is how I am trying to approach it.

Right now, all I want to do is, yes, to study, but not just that anymore. I want to do the things I love to do, chase my other dreams, fulfill myself, and not shape my being in accordance with someone I look up to. I had been looking at people and trying to make myself like them, or be better than them, this I have been attempting at, upon assuming the hushed demands and restrictions of this new discipline. But I feel like it's getting tiring, and senseless. Perhaps they're destined to shine and soar, because they are they, and I am me. I've been so irrational, Mam Toledano and Sir Valero would have slapped me in shame for forgetting my Philo.

I find myself funny oftentimes, during moments when I thought I know stuffs but I actually don't. I think it's just a dilemma, what should it be, really: to assume humility in the verge of ignorance for the sake of acknowledging man's inherent lack of omniscience and perfect reason, or, to live by self-defined principles, fight for them, put faith in them, only to find one's self weak-kneed when the universe has decided to snap you out of such obstinate disillusionment.

I do not know what is right, really. But I am trying to think I should know better.

[PS. I am seriously praying that Emo moments like this are temporary, short-spanned, and are merely resultant of Accounting exams and bad hormonal mood.]

Teeth, Hancock and Stuffs

2008-07-12T14:46:00.000+08:00

Today I woke up at one in the afternoon, almost 12 hours after I realized that 'Teeth' is too loud to be watched in the wee hours of the morning, in Ipil, in a room with one guy sleeping and the other one missing his pair of earphones. I turned off the laptop during the part where Dawn, the lead charcter, was about to be raped inside a cave-thingy behind a waterfall.

And this afternoon, when I resumed my movie cravings sans roommate and sans the eerie wing silence that would have allowed my speakers to flood the air with moans of pain and violence, I found out that Dawn was indeed raped, technically, but her vagina dentata bit off Toby's penis and weeks after, his body was found floating in the river.

Yes, Teeth sounds morbid. But a few days before I finally decided to watch Teeth after it spent days untouched inside my laptop's memory, I couldn't even find time NOT to study. Ex-floormate said I have been studying too much, with all the negative implications of 'too much' splashed on his tone. I said I had to, so as to compensate for my brain's natural lackings [lol]. But as I replayed the week all over my head, I realized that, I feel bored.

+++

I watched 'Hancock' with my high school friend, and she made me pay for her ticket. Which is bad since I had been saving up for something, but I'm left with one hundred pesos [and I spent that for the Taxi ride]. I think Hancock is good, in an intellectually, visually fulfilling way. I mean, the title sounded so dull and sexually-connotative unless you have some American history background, but the actual movie was nice. I hope they did a better job promoting this film.

I'm just disturbed, though. Charlize Theron looked like a grandma.

[positive thoughts, positive thoughts...]

Araneta Loca: Why Dancing is Boring and Why Yellow is Bad

2008-07-05T17:27:00.000+08:00

Gee.

The UAAP Opening Ceremonies freaked me out. Honestly, there was just no innovation. And it was so freaking tiring to watch! Unless you consider bloated, magnified skirts as innovation, then the whole thing was practiced mess. There was just no visual candy. Again, except for the overblown skirts of Maria Makiling and all those diwata jizz, I thought they looked interesting.

Anyway. Seriously, who cares about the dance interpretation of local children's games. I mean, okayyyy, sure, patriotism is such a flashy, noble concept, but honestly, it just didn't look right. Just like what Kuya Ace said: 'Baka pati yung mga modern games, PS2, Gameboy, iiinterpret pa nila!" What will they do? Jump a thousand times in circular form to depict the X button?!

But, well, that's me, I have a deviant taste. But personally, and honestly, I thought it was...energetic. LOL.

+++

It was my first time in Araneta Coliseum, and I had some few observations. You see, I was a very diligent Cheerleading PE student last semester and I had been trained to be jumpy and happy and all during UAAP games. And so this afternoon, during the UE vs UST game, the UE people were rather, high, and did that wave thing several times while thier warriors dunked hoops and all the hoola. Mind you, they do waves rather well. If Wave-doing thingy has it's continuum of quality. Anyway, since that kind of cheer is rather, err, flambuoyant, the UST peeps behind me were kinda insecure and annoyed and even cursed them, and even threw some dirty fingers.

God, seriously. Your Dominican fathers should slap you in the ass. Again, a big BUT. I am only referring to my behind-seatmates, not all the UST people. And I love their Tiger hats. Why the hell are there no stores selling those stuffs for UP? They sell tamaraw caps for FEU, eagle for ADMU and the archer hat for La Salle. Whatever.

And so since I was uber bored after the dance-until-you-go-crazy opening ceremony, I decided to buy that thing, the Wendy's Frosty after much hesitation, because I just can't stand watching a UE vs UST game since I honestly do not care about both of them! Seriously.

I should be watching Wanted by now but no one has the interest or money to watch it with me. I think Wanted is fun. But the country is getting so poor. What the hell is the connection.

Dahil Math Person na Ako, Let me Tagalog

2008-07-04T16:45:00.000+08:00

May problema ang Diliman sa: una: Tuition and other Fee increase, pangalawa: Taxi.

Bakit kaya hindi pumuputok ang tambutso ng STAND UP sa mga Taxi sa campus? Hindi ba seryosong usapan yun? KAsi kung walang taxi eh hindi tayo makakauwi hindi ba? So kapag hindi tayo makakuwi, hindi tayo marerelax, thus hindi tayo magiging productive, thus hindi tataas ang output ng ekonomiya, thus, mamumulubi ang Pilipinas.

Sana aksyunan 'to ng STAND UP at ng iba pang proactive/reactive/active/aggressive groups sa Diliman. Nahahassle na ako eh. LOL.

Maglakad ka naman ba galing SC papuntang School of Ewcon habang umuulan at bitbit ang mga labada mo, laptop mo at ang makapal mong libro sa Accounting. Shet, parusa ng langit. MAtapos to ng 45 minutes mong paghihintay sa wala, a.k.a, sa TAXI! Sabi nga ni John Dale habang nagpapalibre ako sa kanya ng katakam-takam na Tuna Kimbab at Kimchi ng Mashitta sa SC" 'Nangungutang ka na nga lang at nagpapalibre, tapos mag-Tataxi ka pa!"

Haggard mag Jeep eh. As if naman naglipana ang SM North jeep sa Diliman. Dyosko, bakit ganito ang transpo system sa Pilipinas?! Doomed na talaga ang republika!

+++
Umuwi nga pala ako sa Tabaco last Friday. At dilemma siya, as in MORAL dilemma. Dapat ba akong mag jeep na papuntang Cubao, kumain ng kimbab kasama ang high school friends ko, o pumunta sa Grand Pakain ng Org ko?

Syempre, nakipagkita ako sa aking high school friends, kasi galing pa yung isa sa UP Baguio. At may pinagtataguan pa siyang Kas prof na minamanyak daw siya, LOL. Kaya ano ang solusyon? Magpalibre ng Kimbab sa Mashitta.

Hulog ng langit ang kimbab. Bakit ngayong second year ko lang ito nadiscover? At kanina habang nagpalibre naman ako kay John Dale, mas heavenly siya kapag sabayan mo ng Kimchi. At syempre, tubig.

So nung natapos na kami kumain eh sumakay na ako ng Bus sa Cubao, at umuwi na rin sila, sa Baguio, Los Banos, et cetera.

+++
Sa Tabaco naman, parusa ang emceeing. Tuwang tuwa na sana ako at makikita ko na ang high school teachers ko after a year at makipag-kamustahan sa kanila. Kamusta naman at buong reception ay nasa taas ako ng stage at nagtatalak. Pero syempre, hindi naman ako nagrereklamo. ulul.

After one year din ay nakita ko na ang mga high school friendships ko na naiwan sa Tabaco at inaasikaso na ang sarili nilang mga buhay. Medyo na hurt sila ng sinabi kong antataba na nila, at yung isa, si Mark, mukha nang masamang loob. Mean ba yun? Kaya bago ako umalis ay nagkwentuhan kami sa Jollibee habang ngumunguya at ngumangasab. At hinawaan ko na rin sila ng newfound hobby ko- ang karaoke.

Shet nga lang at panaginip ang Timezone sa Albay. Kamusta rin ang mga mic na na flat na sa kakahulog, at amoy sapsap ang handle. Probinsya nga naman. Pero, hooray, singko lang ang isang kanta. Kaya todo sawa ka. Mabaho nga lang.

Pangit magpaka-emo sa Tagalog so kunyari eh emotionless ang blog na ito. Pero nung nasa bus na ako pabalik ng Manila, na realize ko na namimiss ko rin pala ang dati kong buhay sa Albay. Mamimiss ko sila. Palibhasa, never ako nag karaoke nung high school pa ako. Kaya iniisip ko ngayon na umuwi samen every two months. Hayyy.

+++
Sabi ni Richard, yung dormmate kong mahilig mag skinny jeans, OA daw ako.

May something kasi kaming pinag-usapan, tapos bakit daw ang haggard ng mukha ko. Sabi ko kasi eh alas dos na ako laging natutulog kasi nagbabasa pa ako, nagsosolve [lol] and all that GCness. OA daw yun. At medyo napaisip ako kasi nadedepress na ako sa routine work kong buhay. Pag uwi sa dorm eh tulog muna, kain, tapos aral up to sawa. Parang, walang variety? Haha.

Pero iniisip ko rin na hindi buong buhay UP ko eh mala Freshie na Kalay, lakwatsa, wentuhan at happiness lang. Siguro sa proseso ng progression, kailangan talaga gumapang at magpaka OC-all-you-want. So ayun, tuloy pa rin ako sa newly acquired study habits ko. At maghahanap na nga ako ng social life. Promise.

Napapansin ko rin ngayon na natataranta ako kapag may isa akong lesson na medyo hindi nagagrasp [except sa Econ, haggard kasi]. Kaya ginagawa ko talaga ang laht para naman medyo ma-gets ko siya. At nafefreak out na ako sa sarili ko kasi nag-aaral na ako sa Math. Dyosko, something's WRONG na talaga.

At ngayon naghahanap pa ako ng matututor-an na Koreano kasi kelangan ko talaga ng PERA kasi ang mahal ng ulam sa Rodics. Magkakasundo naman siguro kami kasi mahal ko na ang KIMBAB.

+++

Pero ayos naman eh. Masarap mag-aral sa Ipil [molave what?joke] at yung weather ngayon, mala-Baguio, kaya nakakaaliw. Aircon na rin ang mga klase ko ngayon except sa Math, at, dyosko, Stat na malapit na sa langit pero mainit pa rin. Sabi ko nga sa mga floormates ko dati sa Kalay, nakakadepress mag-adjust, pero kebs lang sila, kumain na lang kami sa Pork Barrel, yung 4+1 na ulam na nakakabusog, parang piyesta lang eh.

Iniisip ko tuloy na lumipat na sa KNL kapag uber emo na ako, pero, Ipil na nga lang. Ewan, isang buwan pa lang naman eh. Pero parang ang haba na ng panahon, effort na kasi eh, KSP ang acads.

Nagpapasalamat lang ako sa bike, sa numbers [nyaha], at syempre, sa Mashitta. I love you Mashitta, pa-sponsor naman!

Dysfunctionally Depressed

2008-06-25T12:22:00.000+08:00

4:27 PM. In this nameless, unpopular computer shop at UP Diliman's SC. 30 minutes after my ugly Stat first quiz.

I'm depressed.

The Week in Downpours

2008-06-21T15:00:00.000+08:00

I was able to receive my Padyak.org bike this morning. And it was excruciating, I mean, not riding the bike, but me waking up from 2 hours of sleep feeling so horrible and smelly with no bath and, err, no hygiene.

It started with an exhausting Friday afternoon, no, the whole Friday, with straight classes and me skipping lunch. Plus the searing heat in the morning and the freaking cold downpour by dusk. What the hell is wrong with this weather: Al Gore, call me! And so since I was tired and all and rather depressed with Ipil adjustment issues [or generally, lifestyle adjustment issues], I decided to sleep right after my Stat 101 class in Melchor Hall's 5TH FLOOR! [wait, I mean, I slept at Ipil right from Eng'g. jeez, I need English GEs] I even remember telling Kenneth after our happy and jumpy Cluster Sampling lesson: Eng'g elevator is a BLESSING. But.. it's too small. And slow.

When I woke up, my High School classmates, fresh from their coconut-munching spree in UP Elbi, texted me and told me to accompany them for no reason at all, to eat in freaking Gateway, in Jumpo Jap, a Japanese restaurant with servings so horrible that you would think that they have a disillusionment that all Filipinos are on unreasonable effing diet! And so there. And we decided to spend the whole evening at Jollibee Philcoa. And so so so so. wtf.

Then I had to return to Ipil at 6 and slept until 8:45, when in fact the Bike Clinic was supposed to start at 8am. Anyhoo because of the rain, the event was understandably late. We were briefed about all the bike thingies, biked around and by 11am, I was so hungry I would have vomitted my intestines out for no reason at all except to tell everyone to feed me since I was left with 40 peses in my pocket. I feel so poor. And I had to text John Dale to lend me some money since I was near-death due to famine, bad weather and heavy bike pedals.

So we ate, and he was surprised that I actually eat the sili on my Bicol Express lunch. Lol. And afterwards I slept. And went home to the family apartment.

And oh yeah, the biking thing does feel like the along-the-countryside-with-wind-on-my-face stuff. Since it was drizzling and all and Diliman felt like some Brazilian humid rainforest, at freaking NOON.

I feel un-writer-ish today. Something is wrong with my creative juice. Slap me! I think I'm for numbers now, I lurrhve numbers. LOL. I'm still praying to God that I write a nice blog post someday. Stuffs like catharsis and all, and all the drama and the teary-jerky whatevers.

Something's wrong today. It's either the weather, or my grammar.

2008-06-15T16:04:00.001+08:00

I was in Krispy Kreme Trinoma yesterday, chewing on some free glazed donuts, courtesy of my seaman-wannabe friend who's off to Norway next week, when I was hit by a minor realization.

My life is just too much orange.

As we stared at the line of people, dressed in fancy clothes dyed in irritably flashy hues, waiting for movie tickets, we exchanged stories over bitter iced cappuccinos. I was thinking of the months and weeks to come, when this friend whom I have always known years ago, who used to borrow my blue Adidas caps, who shared a banig with me in General Santos, who introduced me to Ragnarok online, is far away, somewhere distant and unreachable. I checked my cellphone photos and told him we last saw each other on March 13, when Katrina took pictures of him eating Go Nuts, me munching grilled Chicken, Katrina posing in all coquettishness, all in pale glows of mall lights. And he sighed.

He told me he doesn't know when his exact flight will be, and that when his ticket arrives I should see him leave the country in a booming, roaring airplane. I told him I may not go since lately my mind has been filled up with assets, liabilities, numbers, stuffs so much different from the things we used to talk about. Like levelling up, going somewhere, fishballs by the town church in a weekend evening.

And he told me he knew of a girl, who had seen me twice in the past week. And in both instances that we passed by each other, he said, 'naka-orange ka'.

Lately I have discovered, that it's so much convenient to shop for clothes when you eliminate all the others that are not orange. If it's orange I just have to consider it, if it isn't, it's simply boring. My new clothes for the past year are orange, but if they're un-orange, they're still extremely nice for me and are bright or warm looking. I had never been like this, orange-loving. Only now.

I thought about what he said this morning, when I was looking for a good calculator with big buttons to anxiously press at during computations for revenues or the sort, subtracting, adding and thinking, all in rapid pulses and soft calculator thuds. 'Lagi ka na lang naka-orange', and so I prodded Ms. Sales Lady to browse through her stocks, and at the afternoon's end, I wasn't able to get an orange claculator, but a blue one with orange buttons for Tax- and Tax+.

Tomorrow I will browse through this horribly thick book I bought for 800 bucks, and whenever I look at its fat spine I would remember my siblings telling me to study really hard. As if everything relies upon me now. Today I bought clothes, orange ones, worth 3k or the sort, and for all of that, they tell me: you should study hard.

Tomorrow I want to study hard. But friend tells me he wants to make the most of his last week in the country before he sails all over the world in a full year. I cannot even assure him that I might be there if he wants to have lunch with friends. I cannot even be sure of a lot of things.

All I'm certain about is that I have to study hard because that's in the unspoken, unwritten family deal, and that I love orange so much that it makes my thinking so orgasmic, and so nostalgic.

I Wanna Padyak

2008-06-13T20:58:00.000+08:00

I discovered that I am officially riding a bike this semester. Which is good because I don't have to restrain my temper whenever the Ikot/Toki is being its usual passenger-greedy self. Good because I will be earlier during my dikit classes. Good because it's such a fun exercise. Good because it's mala-countryside-enjoying-the-trees-with-wind-on-my-face thing.

And bad if it rains. UP Mountaineers is FANN.

Here's a link to the riders [mala Lord of the Rings]:

http://padyakbikes.multiply.com/journal/item/17

Rainy Days and First Days

2008-06-13T16:49:00.000+08:00

The week's quotable quote/s:

During my BA 99.1 class:

Esjay: Galing po kasi akong NCPAG, kaya gusto ko rin ng public service. So gusto ko po ng accounting habang nagpa-public service.

Mam Kho: Panu yun? Ikaw yung SGV na nagchecheck ng mga premyo sa Wowowee?
------
Econ 100.1

This class is just too big. The whole SE auditorium was jampacked with people congested and all, which reminded me of our freshie orientation a year ago where I had to do UP cheers while avoiding my seatmate's elbow. On the first meeting I was lucky enough to be early, which was natural since I was giddy on the first day. And so my Kalai mates were nice enough to reserve a seat for me from which I could clearly see Prof. Monsod's face and her dandy hot pink skirt, which looked, err, nice.

Prof. Monsod is actually good. No, she's really great. But I am too distracted by the tens and tens of necks staring at me. Again, this class is TOO big, which she also cited, saying some of us should shift to 100.2 for heaven's sake, B..but, I just can't, my Econ 100.1 is one of the few living proofs that CRS actually likes me.

On the other hand, our 100.1 discussion is well, COLD. WTF. Why is SE so cold? That's why I was too busy rubbing myself for some warmth rather than computing for labor hours whatever. And hey, our teaching assistant was so nice. No, she was TOO nice that I actually felt she was being shy in front of us. Am I lucky or what.

Math 100

I kept on saying this lately: naninibago ako sa Math ko, kasi ang aliwalas ng mukha ng prof ko, parang tuwang-tuwa siya sa buhay niya, parang mahal na mahal siya ng Diyos. Last sem kasi, yung mukha ng prof ko, parang puno ng pagdurusa. Cariaga is my math 100 prof and I think she's, err, 'kewl' for the mere fact that she wore the UP Fair 2008 tshirt yesterday, which made me relate to our lesson simply because I was in the UP Fair for a full week. O diba, talk about intimate Math classes.

Eng 30

When our Eng 30 prof came in, I thought she looked like Janice Dickinson, that old supermodel with a stiff face. But hey, I think that among all my profs this sem, i LOVE her the most [this is contestable]. She's just so...un-terror. She even asked the class what kind of grade breakdown we want which is good AND bad. Good because 50% of our grades will come from attendance [wtf?!] AND bUHd because my Econ 100.1 is dikit and the Toki route is HORRIBLY long. But hey, I LOVE mam.

BA 99.1

I think I'm attracted to my 99.1 prof. I mean, she looks like a cross between a feminine Kim Atienza and a cute Persian cat, which is GOOD. She's so cute. I feel inspired. But the attraction is rather, like, 'wow-you're-a-CPA-Lawyer-wow' kind of attraction. I even took pictures of her on the first meeting while she was listening to our 'Why do I want BAA?' answers. 99.1 is just so cute and happy.

However, we realized that behind the cute face and the cuter Chinese visage [it's just the same!], Mam is one, err, fast teacher. We finished the first module [?] in A day. And it was supposed to be discussed for THREE days. She said instead of discussing we should just focus on speed computing, seatworks and all the accounting jizz because those things are more important. But still, 99.1 is just, HAPPY.

Table Tennis

Oh God, I actually hated table tennis in high school. I thought that ping pong is simply NOT for angry people, with a small table, a small ball and a small racket, the sport is bound to be just, not fun.

But I have no right to complain, CRS is simply unaccomodating for my Lawn Tennis dreams.

Env Sci 1

Leya: I thought Manuel Fortes is...younger.

I really think the global-warming-is-heating-the-oceans-and-bleaching-the-coral thing is true since the Marine Science Institute is TOO hot. Econ should lend them more aircons. Leya and I thought Env Sci would be FANN in a Geog-ish kind of way since there's a field trip, b..but, we were grouped separately according to courses. But that girl, Leya was with the Educ people, and she's, SPANISH.

And something interesting, our group name was DAFenders [since DAF means Department of Accounting and Finance]. I thought We LOVE Manny sounded better, if Leya was my groupmate, the idea would have been FANN. B..but. Ugh.

Statistics 101

This is one of the reasons why I can't wait for my Padyak Project bike, I'm supposed to go to my Stat class in Melchor Hall from MSI. And Prof. Fortes is, like, enjoying teaching a lot that I barely have time to breathe inside an Ikot jeep AND, go up to the fifth floor. On the first meeting I ran all the way from Econ to Melchor Hall 5th floor, only to find out that I was actually LATE. Shet. And when Kenneth, Ezzy and I were about to leave after dismissal, I realized that Eng'g has a freaking elevator.

Inside the elevator:

Me to Kenneth: Alam mo, kapag sumasakay tayo dito, feeling ko wala ako sa UP.

Outside the elevator:

Me to Kenneth, pointing at the sign 'Boost your Energy, use the stairs!' poster: Anong boost your energy! Baka lose your energy!

----
Teka, wala akong maisip na good ending. Tangenang Lobo yan. Namatay na yata ang original scriptwriter nito kaya parang, ugh, parang tangena! Nakakairita! Tangena ka Lobo! Baka sa susunod nasa hate list ko na 'to, kasabay ni Marianne Rivera. Ulul talaga.

Ang Pinakamagandang Sched sa Balat ng Diliman [Pambawi sa Prerog Stress]

2008-06-06T17:06:00.000+08:00

Bawal kumontra, self-therapy 'to para ma-erase ang harrowing experiences sa aking prerog agony. Yehey! Yehey!

Time	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
09:00 AM - 10:00 AM	Econ 100.1 HK2		Econ 100.1 HK2
10:00 AM - 11:00 AM	Eng 30 THU	PE 2 TT WFD	Eng 30 THU	PE 2 TT WFD
11:00 AM - 11:30 AM	Eng 30 THU		Eng 30 THU
11:30 AM - 12:00 PM
12:00 PM - 01:00 PM	Math 100 TWHFG	Math 100 TWHFG	Math 100 TWHFG	Math 100 TWHFG
01:00 PM - 02:30 PM	BA 99.1 THW	Env Sci 1 WFW-1	BA 99.1 THW	Env Sci 1 WFW-1
02:30 PM - 03:00 PM		Stat 101 WFX		Stat 101 WFX
03:00 PM - 04:00 PM		Stat 101 WFX	Econ 100.1 HK2	Stat 101 WFX

Class Code	Subject	Units	Section	Schedule	Instructor(s)	Status
17703	BA 99.1	3.0	THW	T Th 01:00 PM-02:30 PM BA 307	TBA	enlisted
67275	Econ 100.1	3.0	HK2	T Th 09:00 AM-10:00 AM SE AUDI Th 03:00 PM-04:00 PM SE 103	TBA	enlisted
14481	Eng 30	3.0	THU	T Th 10:00 AM-11:30 AM CAL 311	ISIDRO, TERESITA M	enlisted
38075	Env Sci 1	3.0	WFW-1	W F 01:00 PM-02:30 PM TBA	TBA	enlisted
39241	Math 100	4.0	TWHFG	T W Th F 12:00 PM-01:00 PM MB 314	Concealed	enlisted
25008	PE 2 TT	( 2.0 )	WFD	W F 10:00 AM-11:00 AM TT AREA 1	SANTELICES, OSCAR YOSHIHIRO S	enlisted
69998	Stat 101	3.0	WFX	W F 02:30 PM-04:00 PM TBA	TBA	enlisted

This is NOT a Good Day

2008-05-30T18:12:00.000+08:00

I wasn't accepted in Yakal.

For the first two minutes or so of that realization, I was frozen and infuriated. How can I not be accepted in Yakal? I THINK I'm a model student [lol]. And besides, I come from Albay, Albay is a poor province, we Albayanos are poor people so we should all get accepted in Yakal!

What the hell is OSH's problem? It's now accepting people from Cavite like this girl I know who we should just call Leah Sumbeling who even spent four years studying in a high school an FX Ride away. [haha..bitter]

But after five hours or so I realized that I'm still, err, fine. At least I got accepted in a UP Dorm. And Molave is fun, too, I heard and I admit.

This Monday I'm already going to check in at Molave. I want to get ahead of the First Come First Served Basis.

And as mushy as it may sound, I badly miss living inside UP Diliman.

OSH is...BAD

2008-05-30T08:43:00.000+08:00

I woke up early today due to some depression issues and decided to go to UP Diliman immediately after my last hair strand dried. I was very eager to see the Dormitory Application Results since two months of domestic lethargy made me miss UP Dorm life.

When I arrived at the Office of the Student Housing, 2nd Floor Vinzons Hall, horror of stupid technical logistics horror! There wasn't any effing list yet. Not even a single effing name on their effing ugly bulleting board! Actually, because of OSH's incredible lack of efficiency and professional ethics and capable rational manpower, people have started lining up outside just to see the un-see-able F*CKING RESULTS that should have BEEN MADE AVAILABLE ALREADY SINCE THEY HAD FREAKING TWO MONTHS OR SO TO SIT THEIR ASSES AND GET THINGS DONE!

I decided to calm down and sit on the floor while looking at obvious freshies and their parents going in and out of the Office asking when the results would be posted. I asked a fellow ex-Kalaier when they would REALLY post the list and he said any time during the day. WTF. And so I decided to eat breakfast at Rodic's first, deliberately slowing down my chewing and digesting and biting. And then instead of the shorter Katips jeep ride I rode an Ikot so when I arrive at Vinzons the heavens would be nice enough to give OSH people the neurons and conscience to post the f**king results.

But surprise! No results yet and people have been crowding the corridor thinking about where they will stay this academic year! And then a mother and son tandem came out and said the OSH will just release the results any time before 5PM. WTF again. They actually expect us wait in there until 5 as if we don't have freaking lives! what the HELL. sayang ng pamasahe! even the carebest people have been delving into hospitality matters by assisting inquiring applicants. minutes after a lady from OSH came out and said we can just look at the results online at 'their site' later, but to be sure, we should expect the results tomorrow. SCREW them.

I decided to inquire inside about the online site thingy and asked if they ACTUALLY had a website, and what did they say?:

basta i-google mo na lang, OSH tapos UPD. [...]

but what was the most infuriating part of it all? while I was waiting for the desk officers answer to my website query, I looked at my left and saw , though the glass door, the OSH people still deliberating on the dorm applications. shet.

what were they up to the whole summer? sun bathing in Boracay? seriously.

OSH should be scrapped off, tossed to the river and be buried in alluvial deposits, err, mud.

Of Careers, CRS and Redemption

2008-05-27T15:20:00.000+08:00

I should be whining right now, depressed because I got a flat one in a subject which, I thought, would usher in my much-awaited academic career in philosophy. But I am placated, I am tired, I am in still awe of my Indiana Jones movie experience.

So I thank Professor Valero, for whatever reason he deemed enough to give this psychology freshman an uno in an elective he technically was not yet allowed to take, but he did, because he's such an impatient ass of this earth. I took Philo 120, Philosophical Reasoning, because I was anxious I'd get delayed once I was able to shift to Philo. And also, I wanted to know what it's like in a UP Philosophy class. And so after some weeks, three papers, loads of discussions and dried hairwax and dusty Katips ride, I have my grade now. But it's such an ambivalent celebration.

I just want this uno to mean much more. More than a clean line on the transcript. More than the highest grade. More than effort. I thought it would mean a life in analysis, in intellectual creativity, in days and mornings of argumentations, reasoning, logic. But now it means dreams gone and a life for something bigger. But I don't know, I still want to hold on to whatever I thought that uno would be. Perhaps looking back, I know I've learned, and I know I knew what I wanted in life. But like what I have said, life isn't as simple as wanting something and getting it.
+++
On a lighter note, I feel relieved that my CW 10 prof wasn't a total b*tch. Now I love her. I think I really, really LOVE her. LoL. I really thought she would give me a grade of 2 below, because during the workshop, she made me feel like a hollow-brained idiot who just happens to know how to write letters. But I guess she still pities me. Thank God for the concept of pity. Mabuhay si Mam!

2008-05-19T12:48:00.001+08:00

hi. hello, city people.

i'm in albay now. yesterday i was soooo excited to come home*. now, admittedly..

i'm paking bored.

i plan on buying a notebook and a pen after i type the last line so i can have that homecoming journal sorta thing which i would upload here or in multiply. sounds fun. and dramatic, too.

gahd. give me urbanity!

2008-05-18T13:10:00.002+08:00

i'm kinda excited with my trip back to where i lived for 16 years! and so before i dwindle in that city with much provincial and rural lethargy, i want to make a blog post of gratitude for someone [or something] to which i have had a love-hate relationship for, err, three semesters now - the UP Diliman CRS! hooray.

yesterday, i realized how the CRS people love ne, and truth be told, i did feel their warmth and compassion for my welfare. i love you CRS people, i wish you well on your love lives, family lives and even sex lives. and now, if you could only give me two english GEs and the STAT subject i so badly need, i will make a petition for Roman to increase your salaries. promise.

hooray. i'm off to albay now. and i will be hibernating for, hopefully, at least a week.

see. CRS has a crush on me. click to enlarge. [i think].

2008-05-17T17:27:00.005+08:00

i got my bus ticket today. and it was my first time to ride a jeep to cubao. geez, i never thought it was that near, i really have to stop being dependent on the MRT and taxis.

i'll be going to tabaco this sunday. the 'home' has been scrapped off 'going [blank]' since, technically, the absence of the whole family [in tabaco] has dethroned its status as a home. so yeah, i'm going to tabaco. i honestly don't know what i'm supposed to do there. a year ago i was dying to leave that city and all the not so nice memories in there. but now i just..want to go back.

my summer classes had ended yesterday with me submitting my final draft for my creative writing class. p.s. my cw prof is a biyats, but somehow i think she's actually nice, she just has bitchy genes. i realized this one yesterday, when we had a workshop inside her room at the faculty center. BUT, i still hate her.

meanwhile, my philo 120 ended two days earlier, and i was even late for the last meeting. we had this really, really long exam about the moral laws, case study authors, whatevers and all the universal law stuffs. oh god i will definitely miss philosophy. somehow i am thankful, that before i leave the social sciences and get my ass on an err, profitable career, i was able to take a subject as intellectually stimulating and fulfilling as philo 120 [philosophical reasoning].

i was in UP yesterday and saw ex-dormmate martin who i always tease about lambert. and he looked at me, with a hint of irritation, 'philo pala bok ha!'. and i just smiled and shrugged it off. actually no, i don't smile at people, i told him 'eh ano naman sayo martin?!'. i feel so unfriendly. and he left and that made me think. i was with john dale that time, we were desperately waiting for Katips jeeps since i was curious about the food in NISMED canteen.

***

the NISMED canteen is a big whatever. i thought it was posh and swanky and all. i never thought that when people said the canteen was good, they were only referring to the shakes. which is bad since we went there for lunch. over lunch i had john dale read my CW final draft and i kept whining about the 2.5 and the unremarkable beef picadillo we had for lunch, which was soggy oily and tomato-ish. that day was his last day in kalay, i had my final days in kalay months before, and john dale wasn't looking sad at all. he looked monotonous, which is his facial expression 95% of the time.

while we walked i thought about my disrupted philosophy dreams. i just think the whole course thing is too complicated. right now i just want to graduate and work, pay the people i have to pay, and afterwards i can really choose what i want to do in my life.

i payed 130 pesos for a new ID. i told the cashier i had to change it since i transferred colleges. but actually, i just want the new centennial ID and me donning a wacky pose on the ID photo instead of the arbitrary suffocated look. to my horror, i realized that the only difference the old and the new ID has is that ubiquitously boring UP centennial logo. ugh. and now they have 'in case of emergency contact...' thing at the back. which is, well, uber redundant. and besides, manong ID photographer said i can't have a new ID since i am still enrolled in BA Psych. i told him, 'manong, mag eenrol lang naman ako next sem, promise! piktyuran mo na ako, please.' but he said no, and i hated him a lot since my haircut looks nice these days, it's an effing 350 and will morph in about a week into the crown mess that is my natural hair. i was practicing my wacky pose on the way to OUR, but, gahd, frustrations. note to self: the centennial freshies look old.

i'm bored. what was i saying?

2008-05-08T16:24:00.003+08:00

i am currently obsessing on this one:

it's called 'pushing daisies', and it doesn't matter on which channel it airs and when since all of us would just get a pirated DVD of it, anyway. but my problem is that, i CAN'T get a freaking copy!

i have seen this series while i browsed through stacks of counterfeit discs in the 'pirate corner' of UPD's shopping center. it looked so flowery and sounded sooo not famous that i never even contemplated for a second on buying it. hell, TV series on that shop were around 100, so your purchases have to be good.

it turns out, however, that 'pushing daisies' is good for my own standards. why is that so? because it's about a pie-maker who can bring back the dead to life. and no, do not think about sweeney todd while visualizing what i just said. just this afternoon i went back to SC to buy one, but to my horror, all of their stocks were sold out. gahd, pushing daisies is becoming famous now! err.

i also learned that they have demoted this series down the 75 peso price range. err, filipinos have no appreciation towards having the ability to make dead people live again.

i abhor thee

i abhor thee, UP-SM North jeep. i will wake up at 7:30, which is horribly early for my body clock, get dressed up by 8, hop into you at 8:30, and then you freaking drop me off at my destination at 9:10. what a jeep from HELL.

you could have done me a favor and would have opted to not slouch so much whenever you see passengers urging you to stop. but no, you stop on the street as if the whole of manila is your paradahan, wait for prospective fare-payers and even have your driver act out like his own barker. gahd what an urban perversion you are. you take longer than breakfast digestion, you're slower than a luxury morning shower. you are human greed personified, with your interior always sweaty and tight as if tomorrow all commuters will have their own toyota corollas.

you just speed through, gather smoke and dust, gather more smoke, and gather even more passengers. you don't care about me, seated at the end of your sweaty cushioned chair, running pathetically late for my class. you don't care about me and my sense of time. you aggravate my tardiness, you are a spawn of chronological evil, you are the source of spatial stagnation.

i abhor thee, UP-SM North jeep. and now until this warm summer shall end, i will live my sun-kissed days with SM-Lagro taking me to where i should be. right on time.

2008-05-06T19:07:00.005+08:00

Happy birthday, psycho blog!

i don't think i will ever forgive myself for not posting a celebratory entry for my blog's second year of blissful, humble existence.

on the afternoon of may 5, 2006, i sat on a chair and typed my first blog entry. it was about my rage against bob ong's 'ang paboritong libro ni hudas'. ugh. i feel so lazy and depressed today, though. so much for the 'i'm-2-years-old-shit-let's-be-happy' mantra. anyhoo. there's this thing i learned from my creative writing class today. mind you, i have been learning A LOT from my cw 10 class, perhaps it's due to the fact that we SELDOM write stuffs. and oftentimes, when we do, we merely answer emailed questions. sooo NOT fun.

back to the droplets of creative writing wisdom, it was about err.. making 'lists'. my ever-tardy professor [who didn't acknowledge me when i said 'hi' inside the jeep when we were both running horribly late for class] said that making lists is, well, kinda creative. oh my gahd. now i realize i'm not really learning anything from cw. and the electric fan above me exploded just this morning. well, without the flames and shrapnels, of course. just a *poof*. and some panic.

invoking the powers of creative writing lectures [minus the actual writing], here ARE: my 2nd anniversary LISTS!

'today i am depressed because'... LIST

1) i was late again for creative writing 10
2) i did not have my breakfast [because i was late]
3) the electric fan above me exploded, and it smelled like a hair blower. which is bad.
4) we did not write in CW 10 today
5) Pasta House at CASAA did not cook baked mac today. ugh. i forgive you for the e.coli.
6) i don't know the name of what i ate for lunch
7) i didn't see much freshie enrollees at the lobby today. goodbye UP education.
8) my havs are dirty. [is this depress-able?]
9) i can't forget my philo prof's statements about the canister-in-the-ass scandal in cebu. he said, he'll just slap the wrists of the doctors for taking the video. UGH.
10) my philo prof didn't get my point regarding the 'laws are obsolete/inaccurate/too broad' plea of mine.
11) my badminton racket is too heavy. my wrists are aching.
12) my shorts kept falling down while i was playing badminton this afternoon. we had to leave early because my briefs kept peeking out.
13) i am getting moody. too moody that i suddenly hate texting anyone.
14) i think i am seriously as in psychologically-slash-chronically depressed
15) i want to go to the gym but i am so lazy and bankrupt to do so
16) i think and feel that i am poor
17) my braces were readjusted so right now they are so effing aching
18) i don't have anyone who wants to watch 'ploning' with me. they can't understand that i'm not in it for judy ann.
19) i feel so lazy to make my philo 120 paper on the demarcations of law-control and jurisdiction on the public and private lives of citizens
20) i simply feel depressed

'i don't want to feel depressed because'... LIST

1) the electric fain didn't really fall on my head
2) i have my old hairstyle back
3) i sweat out all the pizza i ate yesterday
4) uhm..i'm still alive?
5) my philo report was rescheduled on monday
6) i didn't die today
7) i walked along EDSA while it was raining
8) no one bludgeoned me to death today
9) i'm nearly there..i feel like i will be able to watch ploning soon
10) i know i am really depressed

gahd. happy anniversary to my blog. but it's the first time i'm depressed this summer. which is really bad.

how come i don't have the 'mood: sadness' thingy?

mood: not good. [and it rhymes.]

How to Laugh at Philosophy and Pornography

2008-04-25T18:55:00.000+08:00

I laughed during my Philosophy 120 class today.

And that is really odd. You know, the loud, hearty kind of laughing that make you really sound like you're enjoying the humor. It's not the kind of laugh you do just so you can pretentiously assert your professor that he is actually funny.

What is freakier, though, is the fact that I laughed during my Philo 120 class while all of us were busy talking about how natural, moral and divine law impose and preserve morality in a God-believing community, within the context of Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologica.

Oh my god. Something is really wrong with this summer.

It all started with a report, the contents of which are rather boring and philo-ish for a happy, bouncy blog like mine. In a nutshell, our duty [or burden] for the day was to argue on the role of human laws in preserving morality in a community. That minus the context, the definition of terms and all the drama was the supposed to be the whole of our two hours.

And then after the reporters were finished reading, I asked something about the credibility of our lawmakers in assessing external moral influences to their constituents. It was that simple.

Until our professor started interpreting my question towards a scale that gobbled up things such as imposition of standards of decency and morality in a universal scale. Err.

Blablabla. There and there. All of us started blabbering about stuffs. The economics majors said something about marketing responsibility, the philo majors summoned Kant and everybody else in tombstones, and then the dying psych major in me uttered things like prejudice and associations.

Then, the most exciting sub-topic ever: What are the delineations of our laws in terms of the public or private sphere? How can the law hold true and be authoritative in highly private matters?

Which, in a greater level of specificity, translates to this: What can you say about the Metro Manila ordinance banning men who are half-naked in 'public places'? Is it right to go up to the extent that they are put to jail for 24 to 36 hours?

Somebody said in a public sphere, everyone has their own business, and so nobody can tell you to get a life and get a freaking t-shirt.

Somebody said it's something about our culture, challenge the ordinance, challenge the culture.

I said it's about prejudice, an ordinance rooted on prejudice and premature associations, that half-naked men equate to murderers and hoodlums for the prejudiced mind.

Somebody said I was exaggerating. It wasn't prejudice, it was 'negative association'.

I was kinda blown away by the euphemism and challenged his usage of the terms.

And then ate political science major, in all her bubbly persona, spoke: [this is not verbatim, just the gist, as I filtered it]

Half-naked men in public places should be banned. Why? Because the fact that they dress like that in a public domain is so offensive. Given that I have this certain level of tolerance on things like this, I might be offended, and so, it is just right to ban such offensive way of dressing.

Okay, ate. You're offended. And then I said:

But we have to ask, why should we even be offended? And why say that such offense on our part would reach to the extent that we allow these men to be punished and go to jail just because of being half-naked? Does being half-naked in public places pose any direct immediate harm to us so much so that we actually have to jail these half-naked men? How can you be offended then, what do you even mean by 'offensive'?

And then ate said:

Offensive..kumbaga..panget yung katawan niya..eh di ma-ooffend ka..

And that she said with an obvious attempt at breaking all the tension.

Everybody laughed. I was nearly gasping for air.

Translating that: Kung panget yung katawan at half-naked siya sa harap ko, then by all means, ikulong niyo siya!

Even Sir Valero laughed [I think], and fifteen minutes before that, he mimicked the pose of an FHM girl just to point out his thoughts on pornography, you know, with the outstretched arm, protruding chest and the horny face.

What a memorable day.

2008-04-17T15:42:00.004+08:00

The Sunken Garden Essays

Part I: Thursday, Eternal Corn Cobs

There is this artificial jolt in the sight of corn cobs, drenched in fluid of an odd stain of orange, swirling in careless stirs and flipping about in every bouncy step.

Today, the corn cobs are practically the whole of my day. The snippets of time and the seconds that had passed, in a moment I never did foresee, had found their way in the memory of this cup full of corn cobs and orange whatchamacallit. Though I won't admit it, the fluid that had bathed these once rigid pellets are that of cheese, even if I protest that surely nothing as pleasurable as my idea of cheese would make my throat revolt in such prickling irritation. And after much spontaneous mechanisms of opening my mouth, moving my arm about and gyrating my tongue in zest, the cup is now empty, the corn cobs are far into its own mini-history and what is now left is this pool of murky fluid, pale through the translucent material, which I refuse to call cheese, or that which tastes like cheese.

The beauty of the corn cobs, or perhaps what is left of them, this lousy, empty cup, is its subtle representations of how I filtered time, or our concept of a passing, infinite universe.

Here is a cup, in front of me, resting upon a clutter of rotting leaves, remnants of trees that had died away,of bundles of earthly fibers and everything else, basically, resting upon an unremarkable small clutter of this earth. But moments ago, it was more than a memory, it was something so promisingly concrete, something I could grasp or fondle about and press against a whole building block of this puzzle we call 'our reality'. Now it's a memory, in my own memory.

I wonder if the people I had passed by, in my ecstatic task of walking to the Sunken Garden in empty strides, in meaningless gushes of breath, as I held the cup of corn cobs, had even noticed those tiny things now long gone. I wonder if they share my memory of this. Apparently in this universe indulged so much with its momentary awes and in its pretensions of 'a present', my corn cobs are nothing more than my 'claim of a history'.

I claim the existence of were-corn cobs, or the whole silent clump of it, perhaps because in fleeting seconds, it made me think that this noon was worth living for. But the meaning has now led to somewhere else, perhaps obscured by my engrossed absorption of a 'now', a 'now' where my corn cobs, my corn cobs of gustatory delight, are but memories.

Now I see a dragonfly, and I wonder how the world looks at it.

Part II: Wednesday, Cutting the Grass

If there's something worth writing for in here, it would be the grass, all of it, in its crisp, wailing splendor.

On the side of this forsaken oval garden, the grass blankets are dull and still, clutched by doomed shadows of age-old trees. But in the heart of it, in the unassuming navel of this grand expanse, the grasses are golden, smudged in healthy earth and, oftentimes, flattened by seeking footsteps.

Here I am, on the part of the doomed shadows, my own space drenched in noon-time air, where mini-growths of nameless herbs just sprout in anonymity. Yet as I look everywhere, on every inch of abandoned beauty, the grassed would prevail upon the senses, almost in excessive want, or desire. the grasses, in this sun-kissed domain, are the lone passion, so much so since the spell of mid-day woes had made souls to ignore its solemnity.

At this point I would think of you, as pale yet barbed slips of sunlight creep on the page, and then, I write of you. In the visual glory of my recall, the sight of the sprawling green and its imminent crispness die in a whimper, and then I start to paint the contour of your face and the joys that come with it. Surely I do, I would want you to sit beside me, lay your self on this solemn earth of thoughts and solitary souls. The grass, on its every blade, on every gentle, unresisting sway, push you into a mere portrait of a want. And from here, every little things seems so blurry.

In the dead of this summer day, I am made to recall whatever had gone, whatever I try o keep, whatever I want to let to grow. On how I see it, there is this nudge of consciousness, an implicit feeling of temporal symmetry where my senses and all of me seem to exist in two points in time. Or perhaps there is a lone word for it: remembering. For sure the grasses weren't there, as the stretch of cold concrete and its immaculate whiteness had shut them off from our sight.

But in both moments, in both of those remembered specks of time encapsulated by this doting universe, you're in my thoughts, and your memory, all of you, seem to be fluttering everywhere. I see you in the expanse of green, I see you in the sunlight and in its playful chase with the shadows. I feel you in the bite of the noon, in the mute press of the earth against my flesh, in almost everything.

I tell you, there is this symmetry in time, an eventful occurrence of memory and of desire. But just like how it has always been, just like the world's imperative that the sun will cease and the winds will die, it is my burdened duty to look at my solitude.

You are not here and perhaps it will never be, that you and I shall share this space drenched in noon-time air, where mini-growths of nameless herbs just sprout in anonymity.

2008-04-12T14:56:00.006+08:00

That Thing Called Summer

i nearly died yesterday.

sleep was heavy, and so instead of my preconceived image of me in UP by 6:30 am, i got up by 6:45, rushed in bathing, ran all the way to trinoma to ride the UP jeep and arrived tremendously [and relatively late] at 7:30 in that hot-as-hell summer morning.

the day before i arrived at a much later time, thanks to me and my stalking tendencies on a competitive DSL line. but as luck would have it, and since apparently, the universe is trying its best to like me, i easily snagged a slot in my much prayed for creative writing 10 class. it only took about 10 minutes of me wasting my life in a line of people, people desperately trying to adjust their existence in a discriminating, unaccommodating, overassuming educational system. and so while they wait in pursed lips and hopeful hearts, i look at them and question why they would not even scorn the system, revolt against the repressive ideologies that make us do this, this waiting in line thing under the hot sun, or within closed cramped spaces of cheap concrete and aged hallways. but since i am one with them in haggardly defining what would become of our lives as shaped by this university, i tried my best to hold on to my patience, thanks to my hearty conversations in bicol with a former school mate who dreams of a life in law school and to me and my efforts of teaching a Korean political science student to pronounce my name while telling her it's not really as ethnic as she thinks.

and after that thursday, much has happened, in this saga called enrollment, of UP students braving the searingly hot asphalt in cheap rubber or overrated havaianas. it was odd to look at a summer day with people going about with their lives, as if there was nothing so hot and punitive soaring above them, in flares of pain and in glares of deadly warmth.

the friday story was about me and my wishes for a decent physical education class. a class where i could have my mind turned off without me being bothered by the semi-death of my neurons while my muscles, nerves and my desire for a swimmer body get their fulfillment in surges of salty sweat and burnt skin. but before my body gratification, i opted to tickle my dormant sense of reason and chose to kill and revolt for a nice, satisfying philosophy class. and the result was three hours of locking myself up in the faculty center, enduring the blandness of the pale yellow paint, the faceless shoes, of dusty chuck taylors passing by as i breathed, semi-lying on the hallways. i never thought that philosophy classes could be done and all inside cramped rooms outside of my beloved palma hall. i stared in aghast as sir valero entered this pseudo-decent space and talked to 15 or so students about philosophical problems and the utilization of dialectics in solving dilemmas in ethics. and to top it all, i wasn't even in his class, there i was, begging for a slot, as i stood speechless with a head band tucked all the way against my sweat-laden hair. i looked at him and his passionate talk on the beauty of philosophical reasoning, and then i would switch glances towards that girl who fondled her phone all throughout, that guy who was scribbling something on a sheet, that lady swirling her manicured fingers on her bleached, ugly hair. and i told myself: i should have gotten their fucking slots.
and so after that i did get in his class. and he said something about moving to another room where everyone can breathe decently. and then i walked away, so much swallowed by this system, a system that laughs at tired limbs and disheartened souls walking around hallways like they were even cared for. but no.

before my attempts at an inclusion in an animate philosophy class, i braved through modern technological pretensions just to get myself enrolled. i never used an ATM, and it felt so much awkward when, in a sunshiny April morning, you are soaked in healthy morning sunlight as you avoid the glare while keying in your ATM pin code. then the machine would cough out and rough sounds go about, the morning's solemnity would be nudged by bills slipping through tiny slits in easy sways. but you know you won't be fooled by the convenience of it all. the morning was way, way better.

when they said UP was smart, they never really referred to the physical education department.

before i thought it was just me and my obstinate prejudices against things i innately abhorred. but now i realize nothing really was wrong about me. it's just PE. i want lawn tennis so i could run within court lines and hit balls while my arm muscles would twitch in violent mini-spasms and afterwards i could get arms as big as those of ubiquitous print ad models. but nobody every told me i need to collide head on with the muddy logic of a PE instructor. and so i thought that the physical hell of the enrollment process was hell enough, there i was falling deeper into the pits of mental nullity, inside the physical education faculty room.and yes, as sad as it may seem, there would be no perfect summer class for me. all i could ever get, [and all i did] were my creative writing classes at nine and me running like mad for my philosophy 120 class right after. no more PE to complement summer's heat generators. it would just be me and my brain, and this neat UP community fried in mad [but beautiful] waves of hell.

2008-04-05T15:43:00.002+08:00

first off, the 'go for the palanca' plea isn't working at all. days have passed and all i ever did during this boring summer vacation were net lazying, wholesome daydreaming and reassessing what i have been doing for the last 17 years of my life, which, of course, is kinda haggard. thank you very much.

nothing much bothers me lately, except of course, that damned, effing CRS made by satan's spawns! imagine me, patiently enlisting in 9 or so subjects, choosing the most arduous PE's i could, dreaming of a happy, jumpy philo class for the summer. and all i get is ZERO enlisted unit. go to hell you scums of earth CRS people, get a more productive, more people-loving career! i take that back. [smiley] of course i LOOOVE crs. they make me happy.

i have my grades now up in CRS. and they were as how i expected them to be. except my grrrrruesome math. i was expecting something two notches higher. math profs are really not the holy types. i still need my grades for art studies 2 and south east asia 30 to see if i can still gun for that 1.29 GWA. this is just soooo sad. i can't believe this is all because of math! i could have gotten flat ones for evrrrrrything. ugh. bitter. but still, it could have been worse.

happy summer everyone.

i am so bored i want the summer classes to start right NOW.

2008-03-31T19:54:00.002+08:00

i want to say that i need to write a good essay within the next to weeks and try my luck in the palanca awards. i badly need motivation. palanca here i come! arf!

2008-03-30T13:16:00.009+08:00

i labsya kalay!!!

today, before anything, else, i want to write about kalay. i want to write about everything i could remember. i want to write about the people i have met, the things i have learned, the nights i spent lying on my bed, staring above, wondering how the world has created a place as nice as kalay.

i want to write about kalay because i want to remember it in every way i could, even in simple things like a mere recall, a novel, a poem or that sudden gush of humble memories. i want to put in words all that chunk of joy, of unexpected growth, of maroon tiles and smudged dirt on the pale walls. i want to write an era within a story, but the expanse at which i have grown to love kalay flows throughout my concept of a world in great rivers of memories intertwined, and now all i could do is to sit and be silent. because kalay has been so much more.

i know i can't stay in kalay forever, that's why i don't want to cry in here, or in any where else. it has been an unwritten part of the deal that kalay will not be mine during the moments when i want my memories to come alive again. i cannot recreate a year filled with so much life within my head. but here i have the memories, and somehow, in simple ways, i am made to feel that i can have these memories forever.

First Floor Boys Primo Machismo

they say we are the silent, unnoticed bunch. but that's the outsider's description. we:
1) don't care about most of the dorm activities because they are basically opportunities for pathetic showing-off, flirting and pre-mating
2) we have a big loud horribly gay guy in the person of riley palanca
3) we have an unofficial non-straight committee (NSCom) with its own application process
4) we have really gay guys who happen to be straight
5) we have kim palapar who is forever addicted to O2 jam
6) we have jd censon who gets addicted to any computer game he gets his hands on
7) we have a LAN cable for DoTA cravings
8) we have laptops whose primary purposes are DoTA, O2 jam and movie marathons
9) we ousted our resident assistant
10) we have a mating same-sex couple in the floor
11) we have karl pilario who worships studying
12) we have marco sambrano who eats e.coli
13) we have drinkers and smokers who cannot spare the halls of kalay
14) we have people who are always depressed
15) we quarrel about girlfriends, or boyfriends
16) we have people who vent out their depression towards stuffed toys
17) we have nikko yabut who should be ridiculed to no end
18) we have gelbert macaraeg.period.
19) we have a pseudo-floormate named allan habon
20) we have really, really Christian RA, Kuya Jerson
21) we have an atypical oblation scholar, gerald reamillo [and me...]
22) we have a megamouth, communist-worshipping, bagulaya disciple, oswald imbat.
23) we have b123 for all our depression and companion needs
23) we have delivery services bringing with them red horse or emperador
24) we have emperador bottles hidden in our rooms
25) we have john dale and his super-harassed Canon digicam
26) we have karlos naidas and his archi student-typical room
27) we do not have an FA floormate
28) we drink ourselves during outings
29) we have glenn navoa and his kris aquino perfume
30) we have louis jadie and his super fly-away hair
31) we have rico and his floor-property room
32) we have people who are actually happy watching the saw series
33) we have oswald and i shouting to each other about society
34) we have the passive com and their admirable efficiency
35) and then you have me [lols]

SIGAW beybehs

1) we have an unofficial frehd linggo
2) we make our prod nights look like high school slumber parties
3) we have an ugly first issue
4) we have big layout artists like wang
5) we have hidden assets, like jeffrey umotoy, who is hidden, literally
6) we have leya and her anorexia
7) we have carla and her weight woes
8) we have a kimchi-worshipping, dramatic adviser, ate wennah
9) we have no office!
10) we are too lazy for a last issue [or is it me]
11) we have always happy people like mario
12) we have hot literary editors like michael and mario
13) we have fred, and he is so fred.
14) we have nonexistent, ghost staffers
15) we have steffi and her FA-ish layouts
16) we have our endless, happiness photo ops
17) we're more of a happiness clique than a functional, serious newsletter team [which i think is a good thing]

i'll always look back at kalay and smile for everything it has done to make me this way. i cannot put in words how much i have learned and how grateful i am for everything. kalay is like a passive silent hall in there, standing mute and and motionless. i cannot imagine how much it moved me. i don't want to be so emotional now and wish for things like time turning back and all that.

i know that oned day i have to leave, like what i did minutes ago. but in the best ways i can, in the sweetest or bitter-est means, i want to bring kalay with me, every where i could go.

2008-03-23T01:47:00.004+08:00

let me define 'haggard' as the physical and emotional state of someone who has to spend a week as holy as the holy week itself beating deadlines for his papers, making beautiful, beautiful maps, pondering on shifting courses and convincing his self that he actually has a love life.

yes. call it a really bad holy week. disclaimer though, i tried to be as repentant as i could, repentant in the sense that i am guilty, yes, heavens, i am SOOO guilty of my sins. anyway, anyhoo and anyhow, i feel so good with myself after finishing four non-stop, heavy to the neurons [whatever!] kind of papers. what kind of nice teacher would make her students write elaborate theories about human personality and love over ten fresh pages of bleached paper? answer: my psychology professor. imagine how much i cringed while digesting the fact that i, me, myself am actually theorizing about luhrvvve. this is just so bad. now i realize i am so grade-conscious.

i have rarely written on my blog lately, which, i feel, is a really bad thing since i am made to think of two reasons why that is so : a) i realized that blogging is such a poor, uncreative way of expressing beautiful, beautiful human thoughts b) i am plain lazy and haggard. whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter since here i am with all the zest, passion and lust for blogging. yeah, beybeh!

i went to diliman yesterday afternoon and had to learn the hard way why black saturday is black saturday. i dropped by kalai to fetch some geography materials and asked org mate for some quick walk at sunken garden with the hopes of having my depression zapped by the oh so glorious sunset sunshine [sounds so redundant]. then lo and behold, clouds began to splatter all over the holy skies and everything was dark and gloomy. god bless the black saturday. well, technically, its easter today, so the catholic church says hello to the risen Lord! let us celebrate. i can get so blasphemous at times. stop me.

i have high hopes for next week, and for the weeks and months to come. i plan on taking a summer course in creative writing 100 to live that writer-ish life of pen, paper and dried leaves by the sunken garden. [naks!may vivid imagery effect na ako]. i will badly miss kalayaan. i don't think this year would be so happy if i didn't stay in that heckuvah dormitory. smile people!

PS. tayo na ba? hahahaha!

i'll miss you kalay!

2008-03-21T11:30:00.002+08:00

gahd. i'm too haggard to even make a decent post. and so to culmintae this beautiful, beautiful first year of my UP life, let me post this photo with one of the best professors i [never] had, and who had been subjected to the cruelty of human and academic envy. grrr. till we meet again sir xiao.

2008-03-04T14:01:00.005+08:00

good thing that photo-harassing your prof isn't a ground for expulsion. we love Saguin!

i'm socially responsive now. i can cut classes to go to rallies, i can wear a sweater in the middle of thousands of warm bodies and i can cut classes to go to rallies. i honestly think that this is a good thing.

my org mates and i decided to give something back to mother philippines by joining this interfaith rally in ayala. the day before, our chairperson was saying something about 50 thousand or so people that will be flocking the demonstration. and i was, like, yeah, whatever, since i thought that rallies had become a thing of the distant, red past. but lo and behold, they're not. this is getting so boring. i went to a rally, that's it. and i honestly believe that this country is better off without a bitchy, slutty president. wrong adjectives!

priest at the stage: let us raise our hands and pray to the Lord, our Lord Jesus Christ, that he help our country.

me: (screaming) pano kung Muslim ako?!

aside from interfaith rallies, i have also been busied lately by our geog camp in mango farm zambales. at first i was so bummed by the whole idea, since i didn't know we had to endure the company of uber dumb varsity jocks. but later on i found the whole experience fun. now i love tequila! yebah!

right now i am in this cafe at SC, the one where you can lick ice cream while checking your multiply. i just voted this morning at palma hall anex, without a bath, since i was so excited to exercise my rights to elect jerrie abella and titus tan. i will kill Roman if they will not win! i take that back.

on our SEA 30 class:

dr.capili: i was in tomas morato when this girl approached me. narinig niya kasi na UP prof ako tapos nag inquire siya kung paano siya mag enroll sa UP. finalist ata siya sa Starstruck last year...what was her name..hmmm... Rich Asuncion, does anybody here know her?

me: Sir, kilala ko siya!

and i was the only one raising my hand. err. what's wrong with these people??! rich asuncion is, like, kinda famous. well..thinking about it...

2008-02-24T00:33:00.002+08:00

sheesh. writing about love sounds so normal.

so i have to write something against love. but isn't that, like, extreme bitterness?

anyway, brushing aside this whole heart drama, i want to tell this unfair universe that i kinda luhrved the banahaw field trip. it's actually somehow weird, you see, i'm a jaime licauco reader, and so my perception of banahaw is really, ehrr, supernatural. and so walking around the whole mountain, [walking sounds so oversimplistic, hmff], crawling through mossy stone formations and asphyxiating yourself through crevices felt different when seen from an academic perspective, which isn't bad, i guess. hmm...

warever.

blurry and bad hair day photos of my banahaw happiness are now on my yummy multiply site. stalk me!

my friend tells me i'm depressed, and so i go, like, 'i am?' this is actually something new, people. i call it 'depression by dictation', and i want to share this experience with my psychology classmates this coming thursday. ehrr, wait. we're not that close pala. bad idea.anyhoo, anyhow, i still cannot expel vivid images of my banahaw trip hours ago, it's just pure happiness, hotness and, uhm, holiness. i want to go back there someday with skimpy swimming trunks for my sta.lucia falls 'cleansing'. ehrr, disturbing.

i really want to open up the love topic but it kinda gets boring when i contemplate and picture myself as a, uhm, 'love person.' gahd, is it really that bad? even though, HONESTYLY, i have no decent, realistic love life at any emotional proximity whatsoever, i like to think that i have one, wala lang, it makes me feel, ehrr, so normal.

speaking about love, life and luhrve life, i badly need a good haircut.

2008-02-22T20:03:00.002+08:00

how do i say this without getting so emo or mushy.

lately i have been doing things which are kind of 'un-me'. like, uhm, having a pseudo-love life, which is imaginary by the way, thus making it even much worse. my math woes are getting a bit papansin and haggard again, but i have conditioned my 'locus of control' to make me persevere and triumph over the odds of this harsh, super harsh education system.

back to the love life thing, i'm actually letting it go. i realized that i'm only tiring myself whenever i burn my ass meditating, visualizing and praying to the Gods of humanity to give me an effing non-academic feeling. it's also kind of a hassle vandalizing armchairs, walls and CR's [exag] just to pronounce my, ehhr, emotions. warever.

and so here i am, academic, scholastic, intellectual and all, trying to burn my worth in studying applications of trigonometric functions [ehrkehr], promoting jerrie abella, trying to like org life, keeping updated with my corridor life and, basically, trying to live 'single'. what the hell is my problem anyway?

i find it utterly redundant to post pictures on my blog when i already have a very productive multiply site. and so to check out accompanying visual experiences to my happiness college living, just click on my supah delicious multiply account. i really love college life. perhaps this is my one, true love life. ugh. warever again.

i feel like i'm living in way, bigger world. i was egged by another realization lately, i want fulfillment, i mean, a human kind of fulfillment, one that goes beyond mere uno-harvesting and academic brouhahas. i'm growing up, i think i need to go beyond the classroom and roam the world, learn life, give something to people. the world is just, beautiful, college life is much more sensible now. i honestly believe i have better plans now. i think so.

gahd. freaky. i start this post with my bitter-y love life and end it with my life plans, what a bummer.

i will wait, though, but i will no longer be disillusioned.

2008-02-10T13:40:00.000+08:00

how to get you

i'm as exhausted as hell.

wait. happy thoughts. happy thoughts. focus your positive energy.

i don't know what exactly is happening with my life but i'm kinda enjoying it. i swear i'm gonna get this. i can feel it! hahahah.

rrawwrr.

things are looking brighter. which is a good thing, of course.

2008-01-26T20:52:00.000+08:00

mabuhay philippines

the week has been so haggard. if it wasn't for my positive thinking methods, i would have jumped off kalay's third floor with Erlinda Catering's line of lazy chefs. but no, i am a happy creature of God and the universe, i am alive and well, and typing.

orgy, orgy

after so much drama and lethargy in my life, i decided to finally join an org to perk up my boring extra-kalay living. my buddy, lorraine, has been bugging me ever since to join bannuar. and so since i don't have much neurons and reason to think about the pros and cons of org-joining, i just said yes and here i am, trying to write four scripts for four skits in our talent's night this saturday.

aaargh. me dancing papaya is MURDER. anyways, i have already donned a flashy skirt for more than 10 minutes, there could nothing be worse to do in this life.

in the holy name of your daddy

i love life and i honestly don't think that i am suicidal. that is why i feel so evil to find victory christian fellowship meetings as uber boring and freaky. however, i respect these people who attend VCF meetings. it's just that. err, just freaking get me out of those prayer-slash-worhip mini concerts. aargh.

[sadness note: i forgot to bring my usb cable at home so i won't be able to post the VCF pictures i took. wahaha.]

grand violator

i spent the whole evening [and morning] at jollibee philcoa. it was a long story, but what i could explicitly say is that i violated kalay's curfew just to watch 'sweeney todd' with my 'future' org mates. the movie was good enough, although the only mental pictures i have retained from it are the throat slashing maneuvers of johnny depp. since the movie finished at 12am, we just decided to eat at jollibee, and then due to certain complications, we opted to spend the night there, talking about stuffs and the like.

only two of us stayed in kalay, and so we waited for 7am before going back there. i feel so rule-breaker-ish. which is bad.

from sweeney todd: nothing's gonna hurt you, not while i am here [then depp slashes a throat]

morbid.

2008-01-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

math 14 hyperventilations

i took my uber yummy deliciously finger-licking good trigo exam this afternoon. finally, the exam is over after five days of postponement and a big, big celebration for a 100 year old UP. funny on the end part though, when we were made to graph and i was itching to go home. i panicked to look at the coordinates of my graph all pointing out to zero. shet. that would make my graph a straight line, but graphs of sin function are, like, sinusoidal. good thing i was able to resolve the error. happiness!

shawarma dreams

there is really something about khaleb shawarma's super addicting shawarma rice. i can't take my cravings, i want it! i WANT shawarma rice! now!

planner frenzy

i find having this planner thing from papemelroti handy. now i am able to reduce so much hype and hysteria with my life since i have this neat, goody-good schedules written dandily on brown paper. what's with me and brown papers?! am i not normal?!

[note: i am lusting for: UP geographical society's geog trivia quiz, jan 17]

happiness centennial dramatology

last centennial kickoff, i was able to meet my high school friends who have been haggard lately with their college lives. i loved the centennial kickoff. there was something really jubilant and happy about the air. happiness happiness, pure happiness.

hooray.

i'm so happy that i couldn't think of anything to right [ehrr, write].

isn't that nice.

happiness.

2008-01-11T20:57:00.000+08:00

lately, this dilemma has been so disturbing that i felt the itch to post and BEG for help. some of my floormates and i are perplexed by the glaring comparison.

which one is gay-er?

this one?

or this one?

i'll elaborate on my life of happiness on my next post. i need to sleep for my yummy-delicious exam tomorrow. rawr.

2008-01-05T21:48:00.000+08:00

i feel really happy today [goodbye, depression.]

it's only about two months until the school year ends, which means two months in psychology department and i'm free, free, free. happiness. [i love our department, i just feel that there are far more sensible things in life and in the universe to sttudy about. i mean, i want MORE, MORE. gimme more!]

i read this book about being thankful for your life, about isolating yourself from the fallacy of this political world, the superficial wantings, and man's petty standards for success and happiness. being the philo-junkie that i was, i felt really enlightened, like, a sunshiny kind of enlightenment...like...happiness. it was awe inspiring to connect all the dots, all that i've read in our philo class and other philo readings seemed to fit in. and so there, i have, like, a new life now. happiness again.

so now, i'm thankful for: my wondrous kalai life, my eccentric kalai friends, my equally psychotic kalai buddies, my influential resident assistants who stimulate my sense of maturity, my intellectual growth, my snail-paced lovelife [is there even one?], u.p diliman's enriching milieu, everything i have learned, everyone that made me learn, my education, my bright, attainable plans.

when the finals week ends, i will sit in one corner of this world and ponder on where i'll go. i can go somewhere and get myself filthy rich, paint myself with the color of perceived success, feed myself with pride and all those human crapolas. but i can choose to be a cosmopolitan giver of worth, the stirrer of sense. i can make greater things, i think.

kasi. this world is just too beautiful for petty, flashy daydreams.

happiness.

survey stolen from drag queen, riley palanca.

1) PLACE YOU HUNG OUT THE MOST IN THIS YEAR:

B-123, B-120, kalai. gahd, kalai lang pala ang social life ko.

2) FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED:

CASAA. medyo hot siya, so am i. so we click. angal...at saka, tummy-friendly siya kapag last class ko na pag MTh.

3) PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES:

so sad but true, pero wala akong lovelife. hintay ka lang [happy thoughts...happy thoughts..]

4) FAVORITE VACATION SPOT OF THE YEAR:

tabaco city. foreigner na ako sa aking birthplace.

5) PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN THIS YEAR:

my brain...hahahaha

______________________________________________________________________________*****PEOPLE:1)

PERSON/S WHO TAUGHT YOU ALOT THIS YEAR:

si ate wennah, si mam SJ, si mam jo, ako rin. marami. hayyy. salamat!

2) AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR:

si neil, see you next sem sa ECE. hahaha.

3) PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF:

si mam SJ. dahil sa mga comments niya, gusto ko na mag philo. thanks mam. [blog reader ba kita mam?]

4) PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU (AND WHAT):

sigaw people siguro. first time na may mag surprise birthday celebration saken. aww..touching.

5) PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR:

First Floor Boys. we're, like, a big fat happy family.

6) PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR (AND WHAT):

jeljel. namigay ako ng limpak limpak na regalo. overstatement. haha.

7) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR:

mr. alvin. i want to hear lies kasi.

8) SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH:

first floor boys, dormmates, sigaw people, some classmates, and myself [naks!]. kelangan ko na talaga ng social life. NOW.

9) OLD ENEMY YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR:

i'm at peace. we're living different lives now.

10) SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR:

wala naman. saya.

11) PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR:

asa.

12) PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST:

first floor boys. happiness.

13) PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY:

...

14) PERSON YOU DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH:

nikkoyabs. hehe. peace yabut.

15) PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR:

rawrr. magiging kami na in a span of three weeks. HAHAHAHAHAHA

16) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO:

wala. i'm, so guiltless.

17) PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH:

coming soon.

18) FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH ALOT:

mga lagalag na first floor boys. nikkoyabs, john dale, jeff, kimpi, mykol,jadie, rico, jeljel, marco aris. etc etc, marami pa, sorry sa na omit.

19) COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR:

ate wennah. haha.

______________________________________________________________________________*****STUFF:1)

CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE MOST THIS YEAR:

my lee pants.

2) NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR:

laptop.

3) FAVORITE SONG OF THE YEAR:

only time-enya. me specified astral wavelengths pala to kaya soothing. oohh..

4) COOLEST EVENT OF THE YEAR:

shet shet shet. LANTERN PARADE!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

5) NEW 'HOBBY' YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR:

passive ogling.

6) BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR:

exploring the powers of your inner mind-jaime licauco.

7) BEST MOVIE:that i watched this year?

transformers!

8) MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR:

women pakistanis vow to support 'hot' bhutto son. waddahel?!

9) FAVORITE FOOD FOR THE YEAR:

rodics jumbosilog!

10) FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR:

Colbie Caillat

______________________________________________________________________________*****LESSONS:1)

WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:

chose UP over ateneo. chose kalai over apartment.

2) STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR:

swore in front of my comm3 prof. biatch.

3) BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR:

maturity. i now know what things really matter.

4) BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR:

getting a love life while being OC.

5) SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY:

your being is so much more than societal labels.

6) GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED ABOUT:

A. LIFE- it's a very big world, we can do great things. B. LOVE- give me some!

7) BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR:

yeah. i don't remember them too.

8) BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:

no love life. pero, i will persist! hahahahah

9) BIGGEST BLESSING OF THE YEAR:

my corridor mates. cheesy.

10) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD:

feeble minds cannot comprehend it.

11) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL:

sometimes, man is really hopless.

______________________________________________________________________________*****AND

LASTLY!!!

1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:

shift out. do voluntay socio-civic work. get a wider social life. be happy. do great things. write a book.

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:

A. LOVE – come on come on. haha. B. CAREER – i'll be on the right track now =)

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?

absolutely.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?

my usual first sem schooldays. happiness.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?

ousting alvin. haggard.

4) Where were you when 2007 began?

in QC.

5) Who were you with?

family.

6) Where were you when 2007 ended?

in QC.

7) Who were you with when 2007 ended?

family.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?

never had one.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?

kinda. be sunshiny and attract positivity.

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?

in lust and love. hahaha.

11) If yes, with who?

uhmm. with myself!

12) If yes, do they know?

i hope so. haha.

13) Are you still in love with them?

whatever. kinda.

14) Do you regret it?

no. that's life.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?

nope.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2007?

yeah!

17) Who are your favorite new friends?

floormates.

18) What was your favorite month of 2007?

september! bonded na ang ffb.

19) Did you travel outside of the Philippines in 2007?

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2007?

N/A

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?

no. if i did, don't care. hahaha.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?

sorta. my hometown people.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?

transformers nga.

24) What was your favorite song from 2007?

ano nga ba yung sinabi ko sa taas? ah. only time.

25) What was your favorite record from 2007?

aaaaaaaah!!! it's not too soon before long-maroon 5

26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?

2 UP concerts.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?

yung pailaw. aaah. go UP. haha.

28) Did you drink alcohol in 2007?

a LOT. maraming b.i eh. haha

29) Did you do drugs in 2007?

nope.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?

asa naman.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?

no. i love me.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?

can't remember. don't care.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?

gelbert?hehe.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?

don't even TRY.

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?

ehrr. accounting sucks.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?

excuse me riley, i was best speaker two times. the finals judges had their ears gagged up, that's why you were best speaker. bitter. haha. debate championships/ HS graduation.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?

don't care. i love me.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?

nothing really. for the sake of answering, philo, philo, PHILO!!!!!

40) What are your plans for 2008?

make the world a more realistic space. naks.